Adventures in Wonderland

2009-07-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

I'm moving on...

Find me HERE!

The Blog Move

2009-06-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...

I may be leaving the land of "Blogspot.com",

Getting my own domain name,

Switching to something like "Wordpress" for formatting

And creating something that will hopefully be a little cooler and all my own.

More to come...

Get A Move On

2009-06-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight I go to the theatre to see some friends in [act]ion. Hooray!

As August draws near, I get closer to my big move and my excitement about my own acting career is starting to build!

A client at my work recommended some teachers and workshops to me and I started googling away.

Some of the women she mentioned had books out so one thing led to another and I ended up splurging on a mini "Amazon" binge, ordering quite a few plays and books about acting in LA.

Some of it's pretty funny and induces little giggle-fits or major eye rolling but I'm determined to put snobbery aside and try to focus on the potentially helpful bits.

Never judge a book by its...

Yeah, yeah.

Another book I was incredibly skeptical about at first is turning out to have a few cool tidbits too.

But shhhhhh... it's a ______.

Nothing you haven't heard before if you've ever read about any "creative visualization" techniques but it's always cool to be reminded to think positively, I guess.

I will say that I hate the way it's marketed, don't approve of the materialistic overtones and could do without the ridiculous Da Vinci Code-esque look of the thing.

But all that said, I do believe that thoughts can create your reality in the sense that the things on your mind color your mood and affect those around you. I dig it. Why dwell on what sucks?

So in that spirit: I feel great today! I've made it out for my morning jogs every day this week and I have the comfiest bed EVER and cool friends AND I got to eat yummy fruit from Bi-Rite last night AND it's almost the weekend! Life is good, no?

*The next few months are going to be a little hectic for me so I don't think I'll be posting much but there will probably be at least one more before I move. Then, when I make it down south it'll be a change-of-address and a change-of-blog-address too! You will be able to find me here and I think I'm going to be posting lot's and lot's of pictures now that I have a camera again. Follow my Adventures and watch me sink or swim!

Wings and Things

2009-05-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid I was obsessed with flying.

Obsessed.

Not only did I desperately want to fly but I believed that if I tried hard enough I could.

Why not right?

There was no doubt in my mind,
So I set about to my task.

I made a makeshift hang glider out of wood and blue tarp.
(only to jump off the roof of the jeep and twist my ankle.)

I made a contraption out of a towel tied with rope that hung from the porch rafters and suspended myself in it.

Belly in the sling, arms and legs outstretched I swung back and forth for "practice".

I jumped off the barn roof into piles of hay.

One time I even jumped off a 40ft bridge into a flowing river but alas, I never made it into flight, at least not in the way I had dreamed I could.

I may not have flown but I sure as hell had fun trying and I think this is the way I'm cursed (or blessed) to live my life.

Sometimes I set my sights ridiculously high but it's not always about getting what you want, it's about having a good time trying!

No wonder I chose to be an actor!

Trying to succeed as an artist can feel as impossible as trying to fly.

But it's absolutely fun to try!

Rainy Day Blues

2009-05-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

Rode my bike to work as usual.

It was dry when I left my house.
I was drenched when I reached the salon.

Last week I screamed at the wind from my bike.
Today I screamed at the rain from my bike.

Both times nothing changed.

Listened to my ipod on the way:
"Why do I smile at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye"
Name it!

Thought about the question, "how are you?"
Thought about inappropriate answers.

Today I heard a woman respond,
"I'm alive, I didn't kill anybody and I'm innocent, I'm great!"
Seriously?

Started baking in an effort to cheer myself up.

Half of what I make is good.
Half of what I make is scary.

Two recent creations include: "mookies" and "crownies".
(Both originally intended to be cookies.)

The first were more like muffins and the second, brownies.
A hammer, some Mexican chocolate and light mayo were involved...

The "mookies" were questionable.
The "crownies", a success!

Watched a woman have another woman's hair woven into hers.
Freaky.

I keep getting the feeling I'm forgetting something.

Maybe it's a symptom of the SWINE FLU!!!
Swine Flu is like, totally the new SARS.

Speaking of swine, when a certain boy pops into my mind,
A certain song accompanies:
"You're no good, you're no good, you're no good, baby you're no good..." know that one?

Anyone have the cure for the rainy day blues?

Relax Baby Be Cool

2009-04-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

For a girl with no TV I somehow manage to watch quite a bit. (Thank you friends and Internet.)

I just finished Season 1 of "Californication". Love it. But I fear it can only go downhill.

Old TV character crush. Handsome but I've moved on, sorry Don.

New TV character crush. Come on! He's horribly flawed, witty, sexy and gets into the occasional fist fight!

(*Note to self: Stop talking about imaginary boyfriends in public forum.)

Still recovering from a 4-day bender with friends from out of town.

I had to give them the drinking tour of my city! What?

I finally swallowed some vitamins and forced myself to go for the morning run.

Well, by run I mean jog.

And by jog I mean jog/walk.

I'm working back up to it!

Friends can bring out the mischievous side.

Reading this article though, I learned that friends can actually be good for our health too!

You know what's not good for our health?

This.

I know, I know, everyone has linked this. But dude! This shit does not get old!

(*Um, second note to self: Stop swearing in your blog. Who are you a 15-yr-old boy? WTF?)

It's terrifying.

I got chills just now looking at it. And not the good kind.

At least those chills gave me momentary relief from this heat.

Stay cool friends.

At least you know you're cooler than me.

(Well, everyone except you, Joey.)

Notice:

2009-04-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

Come to find out, meditation is not necessarily about clearing your mind of all thoughts but rather noticing the thoughts as they come and go. The practice of noticing, checking in, coming back to something like the breath. I'm beginning to see my artistic life in a similar way.

As an artist I am constantly questioning and redefining my identity. Noticing where I am and continuing to deepen and expand whatever work I'm doing whether it be an acting project, a new painting or a piece of writing.

Moving forward, staying awake. Eyes open, ears pricked, mind alert and heart expanding.

The teachers in the school of life are sometimes difficult to identify. They're all around but every once in awhile we dreamers and creators must be our own teachers too. We have to set our own standards and continue to ask what are we doing and why?

Today, this is where I'm at. Add your thoughts to the list and perhaps we can learn something from each other.

My rules as of this moment:

Have something to say. If the impulse is there but the purpose is unclear work towards specificity.
Do everything possible to open and expand the mind.
Read.
Find role models and note the specific reasons you admire them and the specific reasons you don't.
Be willing to compromise but only to a point.
Develop artistic integrity, don't be afraid to say no.
Keep money separate. Money motivated art is likely to be shit.
Daily practice. Do/make some art every day.
Allow yourself to be moved as much as possible and wonder at the beauty of your heart.
Make room for the simultaneous existence of genius, mistakes, perfection and shit.
Daydream, nightdream, fantasize and actualize.
Ask lots of questions.
Yes, people are judging you. Sit with that.
Re-write these rules as often as possible.

...my brain on crack. I mean coffee!

2009-04-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

5-letter word for "Witticism"... Anyone?

I start a lot of books that I never finish. I hate this about myself.

I try to complete the crosswords but it's almost always impossible without a partner.

When I was 15 I was a lifeguard for the early morning lap swimmers at the community pool.

The girl I worked with would always do crosswords when the boss wasn't around. She was a good crossword partner.

Thank god no old people drowned on our watch! What were we thinking?

One time (at another pool) a kid hit his chin doing a backflip and we had to backboard him. It was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I re-read some old journal entries from 7th and 8th grade recently and found one about the scariest moment.

My best friend and I were in the woods and she had some kind of seizure or something. I remembered hearing that sugar helps and rubbed a crushed up Altoid on her gums.

Weird how stuff like that pops into your mind in times of crisis. It brought the color back and she came-to.

We're still best friends.

When she lived with me in SF for a bit we would sit in our backyard drinking pink wine and philosophizing for hours.

We decided that every good philosophical conundrum ends in a paradox.

Another friend recently told me that he heard that "if it's not paradoxical, it's not true".

Speaking of true, is it true that I am my own worst enemy?

If it is, that might explain the not-finishing-books thing. So irritating. Maybe I can't commit?

But I seem to have no problem hanging on.

Hang on a sec... Oh my god! I just typed "sex" instead of "sec"!

And that was the second time today! No joke, the first was in a gchat and it actually made me blush!

Slip of the left ring finger or Freudian slip?

You decide.

Only you can prevent Forest fires.

Contemplating Attachments

2009-04-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

Today I will make vegan cupcakes with tofutti "cream cheese" frosting.

The last time I attempted vegan cupcakes I made them chocolate with green mint frosting.
Everyone called them "toothpaste cupcakes".

I'm determined to redeem myself today! However, in the spirit of this post, I will try not to become attached to a particular outcome. These will be my "go-with-the-flow" cupcakes.

Getting my hair chopped was a good reminder of how easy it is to become attached to stuff, (in this case a mess of dead cells). The day before my scheduled cut I stood outside Little Star, waiting for Amanda to get us a table and found myself drifting off into a hair stroking trance. I caught my reflection in the window and took hold of my longer locks. I started running my fingers down from root to tip and repeated this motion unconsciously until,

"SHAKTI! What are you doing? I got us a table!"

"Dude, I'm not psychic, I was waiting for you to tell me! Lemme lock up my bike."

Really I had just zoned out but the point of this stupid story is that I realized I don't want to be tied down by my attachments. I know I'll always have certain attachments. I'm not a saint and don't plan on becoming one but I also don't want to get to a point in my life where my clinging to material things is running the show! The hair thing got me thinking...

The new chop has brought with it a new sense of freedom! I'm re-inspired to continue minimizing my stuff and since I'm going to be moving in August, I have a real excuse for getting rid of things.

Letting go can be really hard but one of the things I keep hearing at these Buddhist meditations is that it's the clinging that causes the suffering. I find this to be true in my own experience so it's interesting to experiment with what happens when you let go of stuff for starters.

I'll clear out some trash and clutter from my room and then move on to bigger things such as the boxes of "mystery junk" under the bed and in the closet. As I go through the bits and pieces I'll try to be mindful of what I'm feeling or experiencing.

Today my practice is a cupcake/cleaning meditation.

Random:
Speaking of attachments, what's with people spending tons of money on engagement rings??? This is kind of like the baby thing from the last post. I just really want to hear your thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like we just continue to accept things because "that's just the way things are".

I hate this.

Oh, and another thing, I might be showing some paintings in the near future.
Weird.
More on that later...

Sink-Top Notes

2009-04-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

This morning two tubby men in suits stopped to scope out a parked motorcycle as I jogged towards them.

Yes men, you are manly and adventurous. I see, I see!

Little sis called and said, "I cut off my hair, and it wasn't because I got broken up with! I just did it for me!"

(Ladies love the "break-up-and-then-transform-yourself-physically" move.)

Yes little sis! You rock! And I've decided to do the same. Hair chopping set for Sunday!

...Then this morning I got a "time for friendship" note from a recent not-quite-friend. The universe has foiled my plans again!

Slightly more single than I was, the hair will be chopped into the "fresh on the market" look.

Yoga + Running + Biking = I could eat a [tofu] cow!

Why does self-tanning lotion make your skin smell salty?

Gmail is amazing
Gchat is the devil

Mark Morford makes me giggle yet again.

On that note, why are people so afraid of sex? I don't get it.

Final thought: People having babies.

Discuss.

What The Hell?

2009-03-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

My former blog, "FUNCTIONINGSCHIZOPHRENIC", served as an emo-ish dumping ground for my moody poetry, wine-induced pondering and middle-of-the-night-insomniac ramblings about how "The Brothers Karamozov" blows my mind and makes me lose sleep. Boring? Yeeeah. Therapeutic? Eh. Narcissistic? Well, most blogging seems to be... In any case, it was my alter-ego blog, if you will.

Here in "Adventures" I've tried to give myself structure, deadlines, and initially, meant to say meaningful things. I've always hoped to avoid the journally, self-indulgent crap I loathe, the kind of stuff that can be found in abundance out in the blogosphere but have I achieved my goals at all? Perhaps to some extent but I feel myself moving further and further away from the place I started. Now that this is my only blog and I've been straying from the original format more and more I can feel the old evil twin in me rearing her dramatic head. The one who will talk your ear off if you give her the chance, the one who wants to explore everything and the one who can't help but be chronically critical and infinitely indecisive. She's gettin' bored.

Where am I going with all of this? Somewhere new! I'm annoyed with my blog. Who am I to be putting my thoughts out into the world in this way? What is the point? Well, I'm not really sure but being the schizo that I am (and stubborn by nature) I refuse to give up. This is my little playground for thoughts and words. What I love/hate about blogs is that anyone can write them! It's cool, it's fun, it's irritating and it's just the way it is. So on with it...

This Blog

The Rules:

In San Francisco and in my head: So I can talk about whatever I want... hmm. Good rule.
Try not to be too self-indulgent. AKA, try not to talk about myself all the time. Shoot! Gotta work on that one more.

The Goals:

Work towards shorter posts. People these days seem to have extremely short attention spans and no time. We're twitterers! Ew. OK, basically: Must make readable from an iphone. (Which, BTW, I do not own.)
Become really smart, witty, clever and concise. No problem!
Get a digital camera and start incorporating photos. My old one broke and I mean, whose blog is words only! How boring. God.

Right.

So next post will be shorter

And I'll start dieting tomorrow

And I swear,

Yesterday was the last time I let myself see that guy I shouldn't see.

Totally.

Spring Cleaning!

2009-03-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning! House, body and mind. Spring is another chance at starting something fresh and what might be on the horizon? I'm preparing for something unknown...

L'appartement:

R and I cleaned and prepared the empty room for our new roommie B, then we made him sign paperwork, give us money and drink with us. Initiation; make a mess, overshare a little, bust out the guitar, break some glass, and clean again in the morning...

Ma Chambre:

Since I don't live alone I have to treat my room like my own mini home. I Cleaned, re-arranged, got rid of shit, polished hard wood floors, washed laundry and eliminated clutter.
Goal for the weekend: Get curtains and get a plant!

Le Corps:

Went to the doc, got a clean bill, put an end to weeks of neurotic fretting and irrational belief that I have every disease. Rode away on my bike smiling and a cute guy at the crosswalk said, "you look beautiful". Smiling continues...
Hair tinted, bangs trimmed, recent skin issues resolved, feelin' good!
Running/biking; check! More or less healthy eating; check! Vitamins and water; check!

That thing in my noggin:

Started two new books.
Going to meditation tonight and signed up for a retreat in June. Yay!
Nice long conversations with the cool people in my world.
Contemplating crazy dreams...
Made some lists.

OK, I'm ready!

For...

I guess all I can do now is chill and enjoy the BEAUTIFUL sunshine! See you at Dolores Park.

27 Things

2009-03-07T09:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels really good to be self-deprecating. It's much easier than giving myself praise or compliments but I think it's time to challenge myself to do the hard thing. I've often been told by family, friends or therapists, "you're too hard on yourself". I usually try to accept it but find that secretly, I don't agree and I end up beating myself up even more. What I've been noticing more and more is that a lot of people in my life do the same sort of thing. We're all hard on ourselves, we push, we struggle, we punish ourselves and we get down on ourselves all the time for every little thing. We hold ourselves to unhealthy and unrealistic standards when it comes to beauty, our definitions of success, how much we accomplish in a day, week, month, year... and where does this negative reinforcement get us? It seems to me that we end up with a mass case of low self-esteem.

Obviously we can agree that low self-esteem is not a good thing but there seems to be an aversion to "self-help" and "new-age-hippie-bullshit-self-esteem-building". It almost feels uncool to try to be happy. But why? I admit, I don't want to start shitting unicorns any time soon, but I do see that when I feel bad about myself a bunch of other negative emotions spring up and start to affect everyone around me. It's not just about me being happy or unhappy but how quickly one or the other state of being can spread to my friends and even strangers. When I'm feeling bad about myself it's easy to feel things like jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness and fear. Living with these things in my heart and mind mean I usually end up taking it out on someone else whether it's just a negative thought I think about a friend or a comment I make.

So here's the deal, my mom is one of those peace-and-joy-love-and-light types and even though she lives across the country in tiny house surrounded by a garden twice its size, she seems to have a psychic connection to me (or something) and sensed this problem on my mind. She called me up and after a long discussion told me to, "make a list of 27 things you love about yourself and make you worth loving to others". OK mom. Well, I decided to humor her and just try something different, I'm always open to new things.

It took me a week! Every time I tried to sit down to make the list I would find some reason not to. When I finally got down with my pen and paper I felt embarrassed, uncomfortable and just plain weird. But I did it. I made the list. I thought very carefully about each thing. It was hard at first, I know I have good qualities but I'm not used to putting them down on paper and acknowledging them to myself. Surprisingly, with each item it became easier and easier, I tried to search for deep and true qualities, things I really believed and by the end of it I felt amazing!

The day after I made the list I woke up feeling different, I felt peaceful, happy(ish) and I was even smiling. This feeling has carried on for almost a week now and it's spreading. This feeling has helped me take better care of myself. I've been getting more sleep, healing my back, I cleaned and organized my room, I even feel more productive at work! I have more energy to put into my friends and loved ones and I've been getting back to meditation which perpetuates the feeling even more. It must be a combination of factors but I know the list didn't hurt. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to start walking around with an over-inflated ego and I don't think that I'll stay in this mood forever, at least not at this point in my life, but it was a nice little reminder: It feels good to feel good.

So now I want you to try it too! Please, please, please! Roll your eyes, call me crazy, scoff and pshhhhaaa and then suck it up and try something new. Something hard. Make a list. 27 things and leave ONE as a comment on this blog post. You can leave it anonymously but try it! I would love to hear what makes you so awesome and even if you can't do the whole list see how it feels to admit one of your good qualities to yourself. I'll start it and you know it's fucking embarrassing so please don't leave me hanging...

I DARE YOU!

When It Rains It Pours and When It Pains It Roars

2009-02-26T12:17:00.000-08:00

Some people say that pain is 'weakness leaving the body'. Others say 'no pain no gain'. Some love it and some hate it. Right now pain seems more like a message to me, and my body, who started with whispers, has recently resorted to roaring! Is pain your body's way of trying to tell you something?

Tuesday the 17th

7:30am: I wake up in extreme pain. I can't turn my head from side to side and my back feels like I was dropped off the edge of a building. I get ready for work, leave the bike, take the bus and pop about 400mgs of ibuprofen.

By 2pm, when my co-worker arrives, (about 1200mgs of ibuprofen later) I realize this isn't just a little soreness and it's not going away. Another co-worker books me an appointment with the chiropractor around the corner and I'm off.

2:30pm: I'm on a table being popped and poked. A "SEMG scan" is taken of my back. Apparently there is vertebral subluxation and high levels of muscle tension and improper electrical impulses are being sent which can lead to "poor health" and different areas of the nervous system are being adversely affected. OK, I'm jacked up, years of waitressing, old injuries, sports, etc, bla bla bla...

Wednesday the 18th

Bedridden and absolutely stir crazy. I hate slowing down, changing gears in the middle of the week, it's the worst! But not being able to move kind of forces you to slow down. So I'm stuck in bed. Ugh.

Thursday the 19th

Still stuck, but starting to relax. I start to think to myself, this is a good thing, this is a chance for a little reflection, my body is trying to tell me to slow down, take it easy, heal yourself, yeah! I'll heal myself. OK, I can do this.

Friday the 20th

Back to work, but with a headset instead of the regular phone. That's better! I'm on this Holistic healing plan, no painkillers, no drugs of any kind, stay away from coffee, OK, no coffee, I can do this, this is easy. No alcohol. Alright, a mellow weekend. Chiropractic visits 3 times a week for the next 8 weeks. OK. Here I go.

7:30pm: I make it to meditation. The topic of the discussion following is chronic pain and meditating with pain. Cool, it must be a sign. And wow, I'm feeling so much better. So centered and, yeah! I think I'm pretty much back to normal. The pain is still there but I can deal with it.

Saturday the 21st

I work all day and pretty much rest all night. Sunday is a day of and I decide I'm allowed to go out and have a little fun. A little fun that maybe breaks a few of my "Holistic Healing Plan" rules.

Monday the 22nd

Wake up pretty sore. A little fun is now feeling a little stupid. Oh whatever, I'll be fine. Who can be totally healthy for that long anyway!

3:00pm: I tell my therapist how I've been reflecting and how I'm really starting to realize how I physicalize the different stresses in my life, I'm trying to be present... all that jazz.

Tuesday the 23rd

I wake up feeling a little under the weather. A little sick and a little stressed, then the stress starts to build and build. I can't miss any more work this pay period, I'm already spending so much on the chiropractor and I missed two days last week! The voices in my head start an all out battle and I drag myself to work anyway trying to tune it out.

4:00pm I leave work feeling tense and fatigued. My neck is stiffening back up again and even the chiropractor notices the new swollen tissue. She tells me to practice "release" and to "have faith" and everything will be fine. Faith in WHAT? OK, breathing, breathing...

Wednesday the 24th

Everything is not fine! I wake up in a sweat, I'm sick! No! I can't be sick! And it's not "go-to-work-and-just-block-it-out-sick". It's "get-every-possible-symptom-known-to-man-sick" and oh, here, start your period too at the same time. Complete with debilitating cramps, headache and the feeling that your guts are literally falling out of you. The joy of being a woman. I cry and call in to work. Last week was one thing, but another day off!!! I can't afford this let alone deal with the way I feel right now! I'm pissed, and I'm pissed at me! My own body! How DARE you do this to me, ME!

Today:

Home again in bed. Release. There it is. I don't have enough money this month. I don't have insurance. I don't have total health, I look like this and I don't have a choice. I have to rest. I have to try to heal and I have to let go. Breathe in and breathe out. And it's OK. And I'll be OK. What I'm starting to realize; what goes on in my mind comes out in my body. When it rains it pours and when your body pains it roars, it wants to be heard and I'm going to try not to block out it's messages to me. I surrender body. Do your thing.

V is for... Victoria's Secret?

2009-02-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

So February is all about: L-O-V-E, love. I've blogged about this a few times... It confuses me and I know I'm not alone in that! The truth is, I think I am indeed what a certain jerk once dubbed me: Lovelorn.

In a few days it will be the 14th and as much as we all despise the silliness that is the Hallmark Holiday, there's no reason to hate love, right? I want to love love! I admit it, and this year I'm going to try (just a teensy bit harder) to be less cynical about the whole thing. Plus, V-day gives me another excuse to to ponder my favorite, or least favorite 4-letter word. I'm still not sure. So while some friends are shopping for garter belts or planning weekends away, I'm blogging. Yeah.

I happen to be one of those horoscope reading girls but only the good ones and this week I was especially excited by the advice Mr. Brezsny gave me about my heart. Whether or not you care about astrology or oracles, this site is still full of interesting advice and ideas. Feeling hungry for a little more insight I decided to go ahead and read all the signs today! Maybe that's against the astrological rules or something but why stop with just mine when there are so many little nuggets of love-related advice for the week? I couldn't help myself!

Since I can't seem to define it, I'm always tickled by other peoples' ideas about love. Below are some of the things that caught my eye this week! From horoscopes other than my own, these are the quotes I liked:

"When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours," wrote author Robert Fulghum, "we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness -- and call it love."

For best results, cultivate the attitude described by the philosopher Voltaire in a letter to his partner Marie Louise Denis: "Sensual pleasure passes and vanishes, but the friendship between us, the mutual confidence, the delight of the heart, the enchantment of the soul, these things do not perish and can never be destroyed."

Gertrude Stein defined love as "the skillful audacity required to share an inner life."

"The person one loves never really exists," said Arthur C. Clarke, "but is a projection focused through the lens of the mind onto whatever screen it fits with least distortion."

"May the color blue behold your body while sun washes your shoulders near the window. May your lips refuse the kiss unless your heart is home. May euphoria find you in the place where you are lonely. May you light a billion candles with your mind." - artist and poet Wolff Bowden

"Greet one another with a holy kiss," says the Bible's first book of Corinthians

OK. So I'm thinking the first one is the best. I like that one. And I keep thinking of a quote from the movie "True Romance", if you've seen it you know how it relates. I may or may not be on the path towards love, but right now what sounds best to me is the prospect of finding someone to say this to:

"you're so cool"

Oh, and as much as I love avoidance, this is the advice I got from my own horoscope:

Capricorn, carry out the following assignments. First, practice loving something or someone you don't understand. Second, any time you start longing to be loved more than you are, make it a point to go out and love someone more than you have in the past. Third, visualize your heart growing softer and warmer and more receptive.

OK, alright, added to the list...

Block-Be-Gone!

2009-01-29T10:53:00.000-08:00

Fuck. I'm stuck. Writer's block. Life block. The bouquet of rotting flowers on my dresser is a withering mass of wrinkled faces who stare at me from beneath their sleepy lids. Lumpy piles of clothes seem to shift around when I turn my back and my bed is a boat bobbing in an endless sea of dreams. Street sounds assault me in the night, a man in pain, a couple fighting, a gunshot, screaming, laughter. The walls and windows and doors and locks keep me safe and separate. Sometimes I get the feeling that those walls are slowly dissolving. Right now, I'm lucky. The play needs work. Maybe if I clean??? ...On with it!

I read about job cuts in the paper and then I heard about it happening to strangers in my city. It started happening to my friends and then it happened to me. I still have my job (though, no longer 40 hours a week) but the feeling of panic is spreading. The recession is a bitch but I won't let panic rule my world and I'm actually finding that there's a lot to feel great about these days!

The state of things around me is forcing me to do even more thinking than usual about my life and what I'm finding is a fresh feeling of freedom. As I watch people lose material things I empathize with their pain but am reminded that the less attachment I have to "stuff" the better! I feel so lucky to have my own room, (messy though it may be) and to live in a place where all I need to get around is my bike. I love you bike.

I can't spend as much money going out but when I do I make sure not to skimp on tipping servers and bartenders. If you're going out you better be doing the same! People depend on those few extra bucks. I'm also hyper-aware of how great my friends are, how wonderful it is to be able to read and listen to music, to have food to eat and awesome Hetch Hetchy water to drink! Life is good.

I usually try to write some kind of analytical article about whatever interesting thing I recently read or heard about but I just can't! Today I just want to get out of my head a little and say, "thanks world, I'm alive and it's pretty cool". When I was a kid one of my favorite teachers was my math teacher from Sri Lanka. He had lived a luxurious life with his wife and children, (big mansion, lots of expensive things in the house) and they lost everything to rioting robbers during some political upheaval. He told me that the one thing no one can steal from you is your knowledge and it always stuck with me. Times are a little harder and they may get worse but at least in this moment, I have the luxury of choosing to feel good despite circumstance. I hope you do to.

We Need To Talk

2009-01-14T09:51:00.000-08:00

Hello Blog,

It's been awhile since we last spoke. As you know, the year is now 2009 and in 3 days I'll be another year older myself.

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you but the thing is, I told you from the start I'm not interested in being monogamous right now. I know you get it though. You see, I've been writing a short play. I know! I know.

Yeah, he's pretty cute. It's just he's a little more artsy you know, he's a free thinker and you, well, I love your sense of structure and the way you make me think about things other than myself. You're more of an intellectual than him, and you know that turns me on, but, with him, it's just, I don't have to follow any rules! I love the freedom and there's this element of danger and excitement. He makes me nervous. And I like it.

And just to get it all out on the table now, I should probably tell you that I've been going on more auditions. It's wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time and I intend on doing as many as I can in the year to come. I know my acting makes you feel a little threatened sometimes and you seem to have a hard time trusting me but that's just ridiculous! It's my passion, it will always be a huge part of me but it doesn't mean I don't care about you too. I just feel so free right now!

Ok, ok. I'm sorry. You don't need to hear about all of this. I just wanted to get it out in the open, let you know what's been going on. I'm changing and it feels great! I'm having fun, making mistakes, trying new things, reflecting on all that has passed this year and I think I might even be learning from it! If you're open to things being a little different, I'd love to keep this thing going and see where it takes us.

Let me know darlin',
I like you.

Birds of a Cyber-Feather Flock Together?

2008-12-05T13:46:00.000-08:00

A few days ago my roommate and I had a cookie making party at our place. A couple of neighbors and a friend came over to bake and nibble, drink cheap wine and decorate the branch that we nailed to the wall (our poor girls' Christmas tree). We made the plan the day before and coordinated the details via texting and a few Facebook messages but it was a real, live, face-to-face hangout session. That night one of my friends mentioned an interesting article to me during a conversation about society and the impact that technology has on our friendships and relationships. I texted him today to get the title, Googled it and poof!

"I'm So Totally, Digitally Close To You", by Clive Thompson for The New York Times

I loved this article because I spend a lot of time thinking about the impact that technology has on my relationships. I think it's fascinating and also important to analyze ourselves as we change our interactive behaviors because then we can make better decisions about how we choose to participate in something like Facebook, for example. The rate at which these "awareness tools" develop is extremely fast and it's easy to get swept away...

In the article, Thompson begins by focusing on a "revolt" that happened when Facebook users took issue with the addition of the News Feed; "users didn’t think they wanted constant, up-to-the-minute updates on what other people are doing. Yet when they experienced this sort of omnipresent knowledge, they found it intriguing and addictive." As Facebook has changed so have the people who use it. Some of us get used to the way things were and resist the changes at first but usually, we all come around. I've had my account since college and I've watched it morph and grow so fast that I sometimes find myself starting to predict what will be next, like some weird, giant chess game, only I have no idea who's winning!

Thompson goes on to describe what social scientists call "ambient awareness", something that's "very much like being physically near someone and picking up on his mood through the little things he does — body language, sighs, stray comments — out of the corner of your eye". The thing is, the "ambient awareness" we experience online comes from picking up the mood of our friends based on the tidbits shared through "'microblogging': posting frequent tiny updates on what you’re doing".

Most people I know "microblog" by changing the status on their Facebook or Gmail accounts throughout the day. Another popular way is through Twitter. In fact, I believe that's all it's for. Twitter is something I've just recently heard of and have never used but I think I'll probably keep it that way. You're reading this blog right now, so there's a good chance you clicked on the link that I posted as my Facebook Status or the one I have in Google mail. I think that means I'm microblogging my blog... weird.

When I think about my online world I often tend to focus on what strikes me as negative or potentially harmful. Maybe that's just because new can be scary; however, I'm starting to observe it in a more neutral way. Towards the end of the article a few interesting ideas came up about "awareness tools" and mindfulness. As someone who practices meditation I still don't think I'd have made this connection but it kind of makes sense in a strange way:

"It is easy to become unsettled by privacy-eroding aspects of awareness tools. But there is another — quite different — result of all this incessant updating: a culture of people who know much more about themselves [...] The act of stopping several times a day to observe what you’re feeling or thinking can become, after weeks and weeks, a sort of philosophical act. It’s like the Greek dictum to “know thyself,” or the therapeutic concept of mindfulness. (Indeed, the question that floats eternally at the top of Twitter’s Web site — “What are you doing?” — can come to seem existentially freighted. What are you doing?) Having an audience can make the self-reflection even more acute, since, as my interviewees noted, they’re trying to describe their activities in a way that is not only accurate but also interesting to others: the status update as a literary form."

Status updates as a literary form? Woah. I could discuss this for, well, a long time but I'll save my ramblings for the lucky few who do me the courtesy of tolerating my wine-induced monologuing. Little Twitter updates are apparently called "Tweets" which makes us the chatty birds. When I think of "ambient awareness" and the strange, almost telepathic connection we seem to be developing by staying constantly plugged in, it makes me think of a flock of birds. They move together with a secret connection that has nothing to do with talking or even body language, they can sense each other, can we?

*Randomly Related?
Yesterday I woke up missing a certain (sort of) ex. It was one of those moments where you kind of wish you hadn't said "stop texting" or start thinking to yourself, "I wonder what he's up to today?" This guy is not a Facebook friend and I would fall over laughing if I found out he had a "Twitter" account. There is no profile for me to visit, no digital image of him for me to pine over and I think I like it that way. Right now a memory feels better, fleeting though it may be, than a cold computer screen.

"Look at this stuff isn't it neat?"

2008-11-19T15:20:00.000-08:00

"Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?"
Um, I hope not...

Oh no! I've been brainwashed!

Ok, maybe that sounds a little dramatic but the feeling I had after watching Disney's "The Little Mermaid" this weekend was a strong one! I babysat a four-year-old girl (for a friend/co-worker) and along with reading out loud, making up stories, running around the house, playing robots and drawing pictures she wanted to "watch Ariel".

Here's a little summary of what went on in my head as the movie played: It started with, "Yay, I loved this movie when I was a kid... Oh, my god I know all the words, oh my god I know all the songs", then I started to see what was going on in a different light, "Oh my god, Ariel is sixteen and totally anorexic, she thinks she's in love with this guy and they haven't even spoken! Now she's rejecting her family for him, now she's going to see this witch (demonized single women), who lives alone, is fat, bitter and power hungry..."

I basically started to tear it to shreds and maybe I over-analyzed a little but I feel secure in saying that Disney Princesses are anti-feminist. I've read about this in essays, learned about it in college classes and even noticed it on my own but what freaked me out as I watched the movie was the presence of the two voices in my head. Logically, I could see it for what it was but there was this little tiny voice (that I'm embarrassed to even admit I have) that kept saying, "well, she is really pretty and skinny and she seems happy, maybe that really is what I want". Fortunately for me, my not-brainwashed voice was able to say, "no! This is crazy-pants!" I made it through the movie enjoying parts and feeling horrified at others. When Eric and Ariel finally kissed, the little girl I was watching ran around the room clapping her hands and cheering for them. It was easy to see that once upon a time that was me.

When I started to talk about this with different friends I observed a range of reactions. When it came to my girl friends it went from, "wow, I've never really thought of it like that but you're right" to "don't ruin the princess movies!" and then a few feminist friends who saw eye to eye and got into long, interesting conversations about what this means for us now as 20-somethings. When I mentioned these thoughts to a guy friend he kind of laughed, not in a mean way exactly but he had no idea what I was talking about, looked at me like I was literally crazy and then said something about "feminist bullshit". I felt so silly at that moment that I wanted to go home and delete the draft of this blog. I realized that rather than letting that feeling stop me from sharing my thoughts and opinions I must do the exact opposite.

It's hard to stand up against something or someone when you're afraid of being different and when what seems wrong is so subtle that you sometimes question it yourself but how else can we create change? With a topic like Disney, I'm not filled with some kind of passion or rage but it irritates me enough to talk about among friends. There are many problems with the Princess movies and yet they contain elements we all love. The thing that bugs me the most is the fact that the success of these women is completely based on getting together with or being rescued by the Prince. It also occurred to me that I am prime Disney-Princess-brainwash-age. All of these movies came out one after another throughout my childhood and my sisters and I watched everything from "Snow White" to "Mulan". Even though we had lots of other toys, books and movies, the presence of Disney in our lives was HUGE!

When I let myself think too much about stuff like this I start to feel angry and frustrated and that doesn't do anyone any good. So, instead of trying to convince you of something negative or dwelling on what has already happened I'm going to start from where I am at this moment: No, I do not think the Disney Princess movies are evil but I also do not think they do a lot of good for young girls. What can I do for myself and other women right now? Well, I can have these conversations with friends and be open and sensitive to issues that other people may bring up, even if they might seem crazy at first. It is a male dominated society that I live in and sometimes it's scary to challenge the way things are. As we all know, Walt Disney was not a woman and even though women can be anti-feminists and men can be feminists I like to seek out the women in news, arts and politics for the sake of balance.

Here are some women that have come under my radar lately:

This is an article that came out when Disney released "Enchanted", it touches on some of the things I mentioned earlier and is written by a woman.

This is an interesting note written to Barack Obama by author and feminist Alice Walker.

And here's a woman to get the news from: Amy Goodman

Big Kid Now

2008-11-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

You may not have or even teach a child but you were one and whether it was to a parent, friend or teacher you probably used to say:

"When I grow up I'm gonna be a _____!"

For me, the "blank" was everything from spy to pilot to writer! (Of course no kid's gonna say "struggling actor/painter/front desk receptionist"... but uh, I'm workin' on it.) When I thought of being a writer back then, what I had in mind was based on what I was reading at the time and that, of course, meant Children's Literature. Kid's are known for being innocent and pure but a child's mind is not all love and light. Just like the "big people" we become, a kid's mind has its dark corners too and even as a little girl, I got my thrills from poking around in the dark.

I've never taken a course on Children's Literature; however, due to the fact that both of my parents teach elementary school I've read my fair share of children's books. The books we read as kids can be anything from classic fairy tales to instructional stories and everything in between. There are talking animals, great adventures, morals and even warnings. I don't know about all kids but I was often drawn to the darker stories. Rather than the mouse-ballerina-type stuff I was into stories with an element of danger.

Looking back on some of my old favorites I recognize different interpretations and levels of meaning. Some are seemingly inappropriate for a young mind but how much was I really absorbing back then? We learn to analyze literature and poetry and we read into everything more but we don't often revisit the books we read before we thought critically. When it comes to Children's Literature how much do the darker themed stories affect the subconscious? It'd be interesting to take a class on this in relationship to early childhood development studies.

I recently stumbled upon this NY Times Sunday Book Review about some new children's books that seem edgier than most, it's an interesting article... Below is a list of a few of my childhood favorites and if you've ever studied Children's Literature or just have an opinion about any of this I'd love to hear what you think!

The Night Flight by Joanne Ryder
This little girl escapes in the night by flying out her window and embarks on an adventure in the park that puts her on the back of a wild lion statue come-to-life. The image of the roaring lion at a roaring waterfall makes me wonder if she ended up with a little more than she'd set out for.

Lon Po Po: A Red-Riding Hood Story from China by Ed Young
The illustrations are haunting and the tale of caution is a familiar one involving a big bad, you know.

Outside Over There by Maurice Sendak
Goblins kidnap Ida's sibling and replace it with a changeling. Creepy? Yeah... but beautiful illustrations and the simple, poetic writing leaves you wondering about more than just why these kids were left alone.

Heckedy Peg by Audrey Wood
Don't talk to strangers... especially if they want to turn you into food and eat you! Once again it's the illustrations that make this one so stunning, even now.

$$$ Money $$$ Money $$$ Money $$$

2008-10-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

Times are tough and money is tight but this is nothing new for some of us. My family always had an abundance of love and creativity to thrive on but we never had an abundance of money (*love you guys!*). Lucky for me, this made for a very interesting childhood to say the least. It also primed me for survival during times of economic crisis... like now!

From about 1985 to '97 my two parents, two sisters and I moved from one trailer to the next almost once a year. And although these trailers were located amidst the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, filled with my father's art and surrounded by my mother's garden, they were still trailers and we were still a poor, young family. Trailers suck. As money would dwindle at the end of each month, everything from our meals to our family outings would down-shift like clockwork. Things never became bleak though because our dad was always there to read to us and our mom, the eternal optimist, made everything into a game.

"Time to play 'poor girls'" our mom would say. When this was declared we would make the scrimping and saving into something romantic and exciting. We would bake our own bread along with big batches of soup that could be portioned out for a week's worth of lunches and we would find more free ways to have fun! For me, that was then in Virginia and this is now in California. The economy's bad everywhere and depending on how things go next Tuesday we have to be prepared for anything!

Recession getting you down? Turn that frown around in this fabulous town...

Poor Boy/Girl's Guide to SF:
Food and Drink
Cutting back on eating out? Try cutting in half instead! Every time you eat at a restaurant take half to go and make one meal into two. For groceries Trader Joe's seems to have the best prices and offers the the lovely and amazing 2-buck-Chuck for budget drinkers, if beer is your thing it may be time to say hello to PBR. When it comes to morning coffee say goodbye to pumpkin-spice lattes and hello to good 'ol tea and coffee. If you make it at home you're saving a ton, but if you have to grab it on the run I've never seen a large coffee for more than $2.00 and you can spice it up with cinnamon and nutmeg if you want it to taste special. My favorite cafe is my neighborhood spot: Atlas

Transportation
Dude, if you don't already ride a bike now is the time! Save the environment and fatten that piggy bank. My bike is a clunky French bike from the 70s, nothing fancy, but it gets me all over the city and I love it! I spent $150 bucks to make it my own and so far I've saved at least $270 in Muni passes not to mention cab fees and if you drive think about the freedom from gas and parking tickets! Favorite bike shop: Mojo's

Shopping
Forget Union Square, San Francisco's best shopping can be found in the Mission and Lower Haight. First see what you can find at the Goodwill then if you need something more try Out of the Closet and Crossroads. If you want name-brand shit the Crossroads on Fillmore is where rich people seem to sell in this city...

Entertainment
So many great things to do and see here! But my newest favorites are both free live music nights: Sundays at Revolution and Mondays at Amnesia. Both have cozy and intimate atmospheres, interesting people and of course drinks! You get to save on cover fees but try to spare a little for the musicians if the hat is passed, they need it to do what they do!

Education
Money can be lost or stolen but no one can take away your knowledge! No money to spend on a class right now? Reading is the best free learning I can think of! Peel you're eyes off that computer screen and visit the Public Library for hours of no-charge education. Not in the mood for reading... check out some of our great San Francisco museums on the free days!

And Don't Forget To Offer Something Back!
There are lots of free things offered in a big city but it's only because people are generous! Try to find something that you can give freely it feels good and it keeps the whole thing flowing. I cut hair for my friends and decided at some point that I would try to give it away whenever I could. It's a small service to offer but it seems to help people out and it makes me feel good to do something for people I like! So maybe play a song, bake a cake or teach a friend how to make something new! Our city is big but our community is tight, we may get low on money but we all have each other and we rock!

Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll... and little kids?

2008-10-21T11:17:00.001-07:00

Do you have a connection to Valentín Gómez Farías Primary School? You might if you do coke.

I live in San Francisco and after a weekend in LA I especially appreciate it here! My city is full of artists and creative people, culture and diversity. I live in the Mission District and happen to go out a lot in the area surrounding 16th and Valencia, as do many people I know. Walking (or riding your bike) around my neighborhood you'll see lot's of Hipsters out and about and since it's a culture I'm surrounded by it's a culture I'm influenced by. Out on this "scene" I've been exposed to interesting people, great music, art and fashion but an element (that I used to be) unaware of seems to be popping up more and more. Easy to miss if your not looking but not surprising once you notice it; cocaine seems to be everywhere.

What does this have to do with Valentín Gómez Farías Primary School in Tiujana Mexico? More than you might think...

I don't post this as judgement or criticism towards anyone, none of us are perfect. Today I write in an effort to expand the self-centered bubble that a lot of us operate from (myself included).

As I sat in a cafe yesterday sipping tea and reading the NY Times I came across this article. I was shocked and disturbed but mostly I felt a deep sadness for the children who will never be able to remove those violent images and events from their minds. As I contemplated what I had read it occurred to me that the demand for drugs like cocaine, especially in big cities like San Francisco, is really high and even seems to be rising. I reflected on how many people I've observed either "partying" or just experimenting and got the feeling that people don't often think too much about where their drugs are coming from. When a sack is passing from the dealer's hands to yours you may feel nervous, excited, a little worried about your own safety but mostly it's all about you, you, you. It's easy to be careless and self-destructive with ourselves but we forget how connected we are to everyone else.

According to another article in the NY Times, "Over 3,000 people have been killed this year as Mexico's drug gangs fight for control of smuggling routes into California, Arizona and Texas. The killings and kidnappings have spilled over into the United States, where the demand for illicit drugs drives the trade." These things have been going on for a long time and will (unfortunately) probably continue... But it's just too easy to feel removed and separated from it. Children have impressionable and sensitive minds and these children in Mexico are being bombarded with violence that has nothing to do with them! The first article I linked states that; "Exchanging gruesome stories is nothing new for schoolchildren, who have a way of overstating their brushes with danger. But the 12 tortured, tongueless bodies that were the talk of the playground recently were no exaggeration. In the early hours of Sept. 29, the bodies of 11 men and one woman, bound and partly dressed, were found in an abandoned lot opposite the school."

Drugs are a part of our society, whether prescribed by a doctor or obtained off the black market. From Ibuprofen to Heroin, drugs are used and abused everyday by almost everyone in our society on some level. It's easy to focus on how this affects us and the people in our immediate lives but it was an interesting reminder to me that although I may be the center of my own universe I'm not alone in this world! Like a lot of my friends and acquaintances, I try to practice conscious consuming when it comes to my clothes and the food I put into my body because I know about some of the negative aspects of these industries. When it comes to illegal industries and drug cartels it's not just bad for all involved with production and distribution, it's harming society on so many different levels. If you're a consumer of drugs it's just something else to think about...

Cuddle Season

2008-10-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

Little by little the nights are getting colder, the soft flannels are coming out and things made with pumpkin can be found in every coffee shop. All of this indicates to me that it is now (as a friend once dubbed it): Cuddle Season. Since the only cuddling I’m doing at the moment is with my books, and everyone around me seems to be in a relationship I must once again return to the ever-relevant topic of love.

I have looked to friends, artists, musicians, writers, poets, philosophers and even a few terrible movies with the hope of finding a truer and clearer definition for love, yet I’m always left wanting a little more. This time I’m trying out science. A few facts can surely sort out this mess… right?

A couple of weeks ago I had a wonderful dinner with a "coupled" friend. She is one of the ones in love and we were discussing relationships and dating, among other things. During the conversation she mentioned a book she had just read called "The Female Brain" and since she's also the reason I read "Cunt" (which I highly recommend) I decided to pick it up and mix up my nighttime reading. Seeing as how all of the women authors I had been reading in the past couple of weeks were ones who’d committed suicide early in life, it seemed like a good idea to switch it up and mellow out with a female scientist; Louann Brizendine, M.D.

The book focuses on the female brain and is broken down into phases starting from the womb and finishing with the postmenopausal brain. It also highlights some of the characteristics of the male brain along the way. A lot of what Brizendine covers seemed somewhat obvious to me but there were certain things that stood out particularly from the chapter entitled "Love and Trust". It’s easy to understand the positive feel-good side of love, (especially if you’re in it) but what about all the other shit? Well, according to this book both sides can be traced back to chemicals.

Romantic love seems to have a way of betraying us, and sometimes that means going against our own better judgment. Brizandine states that, "Once a person is in love, the cautious, critical-thinking pathways in the brain shut down. Evolution may have made these in-love brain circuits to ensure we find a mate and then focus in exclusively on that one person […] Falling in love is one of the most irrational behaviors or brain states imaginable for both men and women. The brain becomes "illogical" in the throes of new romance, literally blind to the shortcomings of the lover. It is an evolutionary state." (p. 65) So, love can make us a dumb version of ourselves? Ok, I think we can find plenty of evidence in books and song lyrics alone to support that idea but what makes love so powerful?

What I find most interesting about the neurology of love is how closely it resembles addiction. "Passionately being in love or so-called infatuation-love is now a documented brain state. It shares brain circuits with states of obsession, mania, intoxication, thirst, and hunger. […] The brain circuits that are activated when we are in love match those of a drug addict desperately craving the next fix." (p. 66) She even goes on to describe how it’s almost the exact same thing as taking Ecstasy and says that, "romantic love is a natural Ecstasy high." (p. 66) If our brain is telling us that the love of our life is on the same level of importance as water it’s a pretty intense sense of need, and yet that’s not the reality! Or is it? We know that biology steers us towards procreation but why do our bodies and brains make us betray our hearts at times? If the physical system is designed for perfect matching why do we seem destined to make so many mistakes along the way?

In an example of the initial meeting between a particular man and woman Brizandine describes how everything falls into place in terms of connection and all of a sudden, "wham, hot, knee-buckling waves of attraction and desire are flooding her body with a heady rush of dopamine – sparking euphoria and excitement." (p.59) As I’ve discussed some of these topics among friends and swapped a few of our "knee-buckling" experiences, it seems to be the same among women I know from the age of 18 to 50; the best feeling ones are always the worst in the end! (This may seem like an unfair generalization regarding men but it just so happens to be the common experience from what I know and hear.) Obviously there are a million other factors that go into this but it got me thinking about how I conduct myself in terms of relationships and physical interactions with men. If all of these chemicals are firing off in my body what level of control do I have?

Whether or not it’s a relationship, casual dating or simply "hooking up", it’s interesting to observe how we can end up submitting ourselves to different levels of torture. We may intend to enter a relationship and take all of the risks that come along with it, and this is often rewarding even if there’s pain involved; but I used to think casual sex could be safe from the emotional let-down as long as I could do it without attachment. I’ve been frustrated to discover that it’s not that simple (even though my logical brain wishes it could be) and now I begin to see why.

Even something as simple as a hug can start the chemical surge that my body will find pleasure in and later crave. "From an experiment on hugging we know that oxytocin is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner – sealing the bond between the huggers and triggering the brain’s trust circuits." (p. 68) Not only does a hug release the same chemicals as an orgasm, but it can create a trust bond that may not be deserved! So we have to be careful when we’re making physical contact, it can end up being as dangerous as tempting your body with a new and highly addictive drug.

Poetry… chemicals… confusion. The mystery of love still remains. As always, for every question I can answer for myself a million new ones arise. So for now I have to let it (and myself) rest. It’s nice to understand what happens in the body and brain and it can sometimes be nice not to. Tonight I will curl up in my feather down comforter, tomorrow I may drink a pumpkin latte and to all you couples; enjoy your oxytocin-dopamine highs while they last.
Happy Cuddle Season!

Come on baby, light my fire!

2008-10-03T16:13:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you felt truly inspired?

Turned on?

Passionate about... anything?

If there is something in your life right now that really gets you going, consider sharing it! You're excitement and motivation has a huge impact on others and there's a lot of apathy in the world right now. I can feel dissatisfaction and boredom infecting me little by little and I'm doing my best to fight it off but it's hard and I don't feel like I'm making a whole lot of progress at the moment...

That, however, is just a selfish side-note. My flame for life may not be burning it's brightest at the moment but it will be back, and when I'm passionate about something I'm bursting at the seams. If you want to post a comment for me about your favorite band or the love-of-your-life I'm all ears, but if blog commenting isn't your thing maybe you could call a friend or even smile at a stranger. Who knows, maybe the energy from the LoveFest this weekend will infect the city with fun! But festival or not, if you care about something share something.

Don't take your passion for granted.

Veg Out!

2008-09-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say I've had the good karma of being raised vegetarian. To be specific, lacto-ovo vegetarian. I am grateful for this and it's something that I feel good about mentally as well as physically. I've never had the desire to try meat, it just doesn't appeal to me, and I don't ever intend on becoming a carnivore. This is just my personal upbringing and my personal choice. I have no judgements for anything anyone else chooses to eat or not eat but I do feel like it may be time for a little shift in my own diet, a shift towards veganism.

A couple of years ago, when I was still in school, I took an environmental studies class and my eyes were opened to all kinds of issues I was unaware of as well as a world of things I could do to make an impact! It was great! One of the outcomes of this was my own research and interest in veganism. I read, watched and listened to everything I could and once the information was there, the decision was easy. I was so touched by the profound impact a vegan lifestyle could have on animals, the environment and humanity that I broke down one day and cried for almost an hour for all the harm I was causing. This may seem a little dramatic, I know, but I was moved on a deep level. That same day I donated all my leather products to Goodwill, cleaned out the fridge and started my life as a vegan.

It wasn't one of those things that I had to force myself to do (at first), it was actually quite easy. I was inspired, motivated and self-righteous. I felt amazing inside and out, I found a whole community of support and it didn't hurt that my live-in boyfriend at the time was into it with me. I did this for a year and towards the end of that year I could feel my motivation fading. I just wasn't as into it as I was before, I was overloading my diet with soy and feeling imbalanced and all it took was some fancy French cheese to tip the scale. My French teacher at the time had brought it to class and I just decided then and there, "I want it".

Unfortunately, being the all-or-nothing type of girl I am, this day became the turning point for me... back into the world of dairy. I re-incorporated cheese, milk and other dairy products but eggs still grossed me out for a long time. Eventually I desensitized myself even more and started eating eggs again too! It's such a strange thing to consciously do what you know is [in a way] lazy and harmful but I did it and have never looked back... until now.

Last night I was on the phone with a Buddhist monk for over an hour, (trust me it's not my typical Friday night either). During our conversation I brought up the whole vegan thing, how I felt confused about the fact that I could feel so strongly about it at one point and so unmotivated at another and to make a long story short, I'm going to try the middle way! Instead of using my usual cold-[tofurkey] method I'm going to try something new. Oh, my god! Maybe I am changing with the season like I had hoped! On the suggestion of this monk I'm going to be veganish.

He suggested I start by devoting one meal a week to being vegan and slowly build from there. The idea isn't to build rapidly necessarily or with any timeline but just to build. Meaning; move forward and not back. I know it sounds simple enough but I never take this kind of approach to anything and I'm kind of excited to see where I end up! This morning I substituted the cream in my morning coffee with steamed soy, every other meal I've had has been "the usual" but I would like to have at least one fully vegan meal this week. I was even thinking of getting some friends together for a weekly vegan dinner! Then maybe 5 people would be eating a vegan meal instead of a non-vegan one and it'd be more fun as a group! I don't know where this will lead, but hopefully these actions will start to crate some kind of snowball in terms of health and well-being for myself and the world around me. It's these tiny things that can really make a difference!

This is always a good resource for info and if you have any of your own little tips for a better world I would love to hear some comments!

Ennui, Mon Ami

2008-09-20T14:47:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I started to write an essay on boredom. I did this as part of a greater effort towards self-realization and deeper understanding and because (apparently) I'm a dork and I like composing essays... My initial dilemma was feeling bored and noticing that the boredom was leading me to unhealthy behavior and an overall sense of disappointment in myself. Not wanting this to continue, I decided to (try) to get to the root of the issue. I researched the word itself, it's origins, boredom and depression, boredom as a theme in literature and I almost posted my findings as a blog. However, once I finished reading what I had written I realized it was boring! Why did I chose to think, read and write about boredom? Well, it's because my mind is obsessive and when an idea is rattling around in my brain (like that coin in the dryer) the only way to make it stop is to give it my full attention. Sometimes this means digging around in the socks but in this case I had to dig into the madness of my own head...

Rather than revisiting the initial impulse that drove me down this rabbit hole of research, I will, instead, share a few random realizations. I frequently go on little quests for knowledge or understanding regarding various topics and end up in a place completely different from where I began. This time no particular questions have been answered fully but there is a feeling of expansiveness and satisfaction that comes from the other things I've learned along the way. In the words of The Rolling Stones, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just find you get what you need".

Apparently, what I needed was the realization that at this point in time (for me) relief from suffering comes in the form of reading. When something is on my mind I start to see it everywhere, like feathers in the city; I never noticed them before and now I see them on the sidewalks and streets every day! The same is true of ideas or themes in life and literature. Sometimes I get the feeling that a book finds me rather than the other way around... One of my favorite things about reading is the way it's such an intimate connection with another person. Although, seemingly one-sided, it's a connection that is able to transcend physical and spacial relationships as well as time. Coming across an idea or feeling that someone else has expressed brings about a sensation of oneness for me.

So, if I haven't bored you too much already I will return, for a moment, to that original topic and then digress a little more by way of quotes. Here are a few things that have sparked my interest lately and created a feeling of connection:

I read that Goethe referred to boredom as "the sorest evil, the heaviest disease", so we agree that it's rather a negative thing... When I was researching boredom and depression this idea of "disease" came around a few times. I found a Dostoevsky quote in an article saying that "excessive consciousness is a disease" and that its "direct inevitable product is inertia" and "boredom". This points not to the boredom but rather the consciousness itself. I feel like there's always a paradox at the bottom of everything and in this case, the idea that excessive consciousness can lead to inertia and boredom is almost depressing in and of itself! I have often thought that thinking too much can feel like a kind of torture. When becoming overwhelmed by the mind there does come a point where any kind of action starts to seem less and less possible.

All of this also brings me back to the idea of the self vs. the awareness of the self. It's something most people are familiar with, it comes up a lot in meditation and it's something I think about frequently because I'm often aware of the split between myself and my awareness. Because of this I sometimes feel like two people! As I've been reading "Tropic of Cancer" by Henry Miller I've come across this theme a few times already. I'm not finished with the book yet but what's grabbing me at the moment are the themes of aloneness and detachment as well as transcendence from [what we know as] reality, freeing oneself from the constraints of the mind and excepting the truth of basic physical activities; eating, drinking, sex, etc...

Here are some random quotes that stood out for me so far and today, that's where I'll end this. With all of this exploration I can feel myself heading towards inertia so it's time to ease up on the thinking for the moment. These words will jingle on, for now, as the pennies in the dryer of my mind:

"It is not difficult to be alone if you are poor and a failure. An artist is always alone - if he is an artist. No, what the artist needs is loneliness" p. 66

"On the meridian of time there is no injustice: there is only the poetry of motion creating the illusion of truth and drama" p. 96

"It seemed to me the great calamity had already manifested itself, that I could be no more truly alone than than at this very moment" p. 98

"I am only spiritually dead. Physically I am alive. Morally I am free. The world which I have departed is a menagerie. The dawn is breaking on a new world, a jungle world in which the lean spirits roam with sharp claws. If I am a hyena I am a lean hungry one: I go forth to fatten myself" p. 99

"It's like I'm two people, and one of them is watching me all the time. I get so goddamned mad at myself that I could kill myself... and in a way, that's what I do every time I have an orgasm. For one second like I obliterate myself" p. 130

It's Here

2008-09-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

At first the feeling is hard to identify.
Something has shifted.
Something is different.
It's hard to mark the actual moment it happens...
But for me it has happened today:
Fall is here.

There's that slight chill in the air, a few brown leaves and I've had the urge to buy apple butter twice in the past week. As someone who grew up on the east coast, it's hard to tell when fall comes around here. The landscape doesn't go through the same kind of dramatic transformation, the weather hardly changes and since I'm between college and [hopefully] grad school, there's no new semester to mark the end of summer. Life goes on as usual, work continues as always and time passes.

Yet, there is something happening, I can feel it. Maybe it's just some kind of internal clock or the result of having the same schedule for so many years but once again it's time for a change. It won't be new notebooks and pencils or a new schedule, it won't involve preparations for a cold snowy winter and it won't even mean new fall clothes, (I'm way to broke for that)... But something will change! There is a sense of possibility.

Fall is marked, in a way, by death. All of my fiery summer energy will shift. Pieces of me may shrivel and drop and then I'll sit bare and quiet for the winter. I will meditate, read, write and wait. I am not a patient person by nature but there's always a chance to change and maybe, just maybe I can change a little with the season.

I'm ready for something new,
so here I go,
I'm stepping up to the edge of summer,
closing my eyes,
taking a deep breath in
and letting myself fall...

Oh yeah, THAT'S what I do!

2008-09-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today (in most ways) is like any other day in my work week. There was a meeting this morning, a few text messages between myself and my roommate, some online chatting with the other 9-5ers, coffee, coffee, coffee... and this heat!

This heat is getting to my head. Despite the fact that I grew up in humid Virginia, ever since I've lived here I've become a weather wimp. I'm spoiled by our great weather so this past week, (in this heat) I find myself melting and my mind drifting! Dizzy, fuzzy and overwhelmed by boredom and lack of sleep my mind starts its usual mischief; I start daydreaming, fantasizing, staring out the window, pondering my existence, worrying about things, laughing to myself, and then the impulsiveness starts to kick in: How can I do something to affect my state of being? Who can I call? Who can I text? Why didn't that guy ever call me back? What should my next tattoo be? When should I start thinking about moving again? And on and on...

Just when I think I'll be stuck in this rut all day something out of the ordinary happens! A little message in my inbox! Yay! I got it! I have an audition. And my whole body snaps out of the funk, just like that. I have something to work towards now. I have less than a week to get my shit together, brush up my pieces, print out some headshots and resumes, and prepare for my little show. Because that's how I look at auditions these days. It's a chance to perform. A chance to say something and a chance to do a one person show for an intimate audience where the pressure is on but ultimately the outcome is out of my control. It's a chance to do what I love for five minutes. A rush. And I remember who I am again. Everything else momentarily fades into the background and this little project takes center stage. I have an audition, and right now, that's all that I want to think about.

Oh, Art!

2008-08-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

After a delicious bite at Mission Pie yesterday, Land Dog and I got into this discussion about our art! We're both involved in theatre, writing, visual art as well as some musical endeavors...
And this is the case with many of my friends (which makes for some really good times!) but there is this feeling of insecurity that seems to come with being an artist. There are all kinds of ego-trips to worry about, there's money (or rather the lack thereof) and there's the motivation. Why do we do it?

This morning, at our weekly breakfast, I sat and guzzled coffee with a few friends. After our orders had been placed Char set down his cup and said, "so guys, how's everyone doing with their quarter life crises?" Ha! I laughed to myself, (it's something I reference often), Land Dog said she's not in it yet and has a few years to go and Alex just changed the subject. Well, Land Dog, it seems to me this questioning of art and what one is doing with one's future might just fall under that quarter-life dilemma...

The thing is, for me, it's becoming more and more clear that I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing! I've spent so many years driven by specific goals and these self-imposed goals have kept me moving forward. At a certain point I started to realize that I might be becoming overly ambitious, that these goals were starting to cause me a lot of suffering and that I was too one-pointed! This became especially painful to me when I failed to achieve one of my biggest goals and had to re-evaluate everything. So reaching that point and having nowhere else to go, I decided to let the pendulum swing in the opposite direction for a bit.

I stopped thinking so much about the future and totally indulged in the present. I stopped pushing myself forward with goals and instead started looking deep within myself. This was really beneficial to me in a lot of ways but now, all of a sudden, I feel like it's time for another change. It's time to mobilize again. And maybe it's time to set a few goals...just a few!

I have some auditions lined up and a couple of my friends and I are going to start setting up figure drawing sessions that suit our schedules. I've been working on some music and of course, writing. But where will all of this get me? I don't know. And sometimes, I start to question the importance of my art. This is where my personal dilemma lies: When I attend my weekly meditation and listen to the Dharma talks that follow I start to crave a completely different lifestyle. I imagine myself devoting my life to service and renouncing materialistic things, I hear stories of people working in prisons, in hospitals, with children and in other countries with people who are far less fortunate and I forget all about art.

I grew up on a Yoga Ashram and when I took a semester off from school after my first year in college I went back for a retreat. When I was on this retreat I basically got to live like a hermit; meditating and doing Hatha Yoga three times a day, practicing Karma Yoga, working in a kitchen or garden and analyzing ancient scriptures. I never thought about doing my hair and makeup a certain way, never watched TV or went on the Internet and I didn't even really make any art. I was totally blissful and relaxed. But like all things, this experience came to an end. When I came back to "reality" I was a little shell-shocked for a minute but quickly got back to my old world. And this time I came with a renewed dedication to my art! I found that my break from painting had actually allowed for a new wave of art to come to life. When I returned to acting I found myself a completely different presence onstage and I felt, in some ways, unblocked. Basically, I found new meaning in everything.

There are moments when I question what I'm doing as an artist but what I try to remember in these moments is how art has inspired and affected me. How it can open the mind, show us the world in different ways, inspire all kinds of feelings and spark discussions, how it can provide relief from pain and suffering and how it can teach us about ourselves. I hope that I can continue to challenge myself and my peers and I hope we can all work together as a community. If we don't know what we're doing or why, let's figure it out together! There is potential to make meaningful change in this world and we are the ones who have the means and good fortune to do just that!

Keep On The Sunny Side!

2008-08-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lyrics to an old folk song say;

"Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side, keep on the sunny side of life"

Well, I've been on the sunny side, I've been on the shady side, I've been in almost complete darkness and what I've learned is that I can't just keep on one side! Trying to be happy when I'm not seems to backfire in a big way and just when I feel I've totally overindulged in sadness and melodrama the sun comes out! The world is my school right now and I guess this my personal lesson for today.

I used to think that I had some kind of control over all of this flip-flopping. Like if I wanted to I could will myself to be happy, just look at things the right way or put things in perspective. Well, this is true (to a degree) but it just doesn't feel right all the time. What I keep re-learning is that life is full of opposites. Not only are things double sided, things are multi-sided, multi-dimensional and constantly changing.

I can't predict when I'm going to be up or down. I don't know if it's chemical, circumstantial, intellectual, emotional or just a combination of these factors and more. Today I feel like I'm on the sunny side, and it's not because of anything outside of myself. I'm carrying out a normal work day, I'm broke as a joke, I didn't get a ton of sleep last night but I feel clear-minded and strong. The weather is nice, I have everything I could possibly need and more and I have the means and capacity to learn which is the greatest thing I can think of.

I've spent my entire life in school and when I graduated from college (in May 2007) I began discovering my non-school education. Life is full of opportunities for learning and some of the hardest things to learn cannot be taught in a class. For me, now is the time for challenging the way things have been and carefully observing the way that they are in the present. Part of this is flowing with the ups and downs, the sun and the rain. My mistakes are my lessons, my surroundings are my classrooms and the people in my community are my fellow students. When nothing else makes sense my dreams show me parts of the mystery and my art is my way of interpreting it. Some days will be dark and some days will be sunny but on either side there is always something to be learned. Cool.

now.this.is.happening

2008-08-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling foggy. The week has overwhelmed me. I wonder how restful my sleep can be when I sleep with my eyes open? Last night I had dreams of my family, of Olympic swimmers, of a favorite teddy bear getting stolen, of a lake... and I talked in my sleep. Over the past few days I convinced myself I was getting happy, came crashing down, fell into old habits, didn't sleep enough, didn't eat enough, felt OK again, did some performances, went through the motions, talked with friends and tried to come back into myself. Yesterday I meditated and this was satisfying. Later, I contemplated the word should with a friend. We decided not to use it anymore. Today, I spent an hour reading the New York Times in the park and started to feel depressed again. When I got to the Arts section I started to feel inspired. I saw a woman breastfeeding her baby, I bought some sheep's cheese at the market, I tried to go to the library but it was "closed for renovations". I saw people line up for an AA meeting. Last night the teacher at the meditation talked about indecision. He said that when you feel indecisive you can't force a decision, but you can sit with what you're feeling. They talk a lot about being present in Buddhism and it's something that interests me. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to avoid the truth of the moment. I like being present with physical pain and pleasure but I usually do anything I can to avoid emotional pain. This seems to create more. My mind is constantly jumping around all over the place and since I can't seem to get a hold of it I have a hard time feeling present. But today I have decided to ride the choppy waves that are my thoughts. I will spend this day being in the moment and observing all of the chaos that usually overwhelms me. I am surrounded by strangers in the "Women's Building", a man works on a desk with drill, a little kid screams, I can smell my bread and cheese in my bag and I want to eat it. Tomorrow I'll go back to work.

Love Schmove

2008-08-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was due to the bad weather last week or the fact that we just started running our show... or maybe it's just another part of the "quarter-life-crisis". Whatever it may be, I've been feeling emo lately and I can't stop thinking about love...

This pesky-fucking-word has been giving me trouble lately. I can't quite define it but I can't get it off my mind either! This problem is keeping me up at night and taking up my precious dream-space so I've embarked on a mini quest to find out more about the word as well as the concept of love.

Part I: The Problem with Love

How can one word be used in so many ways? Why aren't there more words to describe all the different types of love? The only thing I can think of is that it would be impossible for this to happen because as far as I can tell every time "love" is spoken it's completely new! At least for me, I can't love anything or anyone the exact same way, so I guess I would have to make up a new word each time I wanted to say it. Needless to say, this could end up confusing a lot of people...

"I looe you mom"

"I lev that book so much!"

"God, I lof nachos" Seriously, I couldn't live without them.

"I luuuux the way I feel after good sex"

And yes, I do realize that there are other words in other languages, but they all mean the same thing right? How can we even begin to define this word? I want answers! So I started asking people, and of course, no one can pin it down.

Ia: Love, the word

Because I'm an actor I have a love/hate relationship with words. In theatre (and of course in life) words can be beautiful, powerful tools for communication. When used well words can do things. They can convey as well as evoke feelings, they can paint pictures in the imagination, they can hurt and they can heal. But sometimes words just mess everything up! Sometimes the best communication happens without words and sometimes words are abused.

When it comes to the word love I guess it all boils down to intention and understanding. In acting we try to communicate something to the audience using words, tone, inflection, context, movement and intention. These areas of focus can help make something more clear; but ultimately everyone will interpret the work in their own unique way. People communicating with each other in life can only get so far using these same devices, often unconsciously. How can you ever know if you're truly connecting though? It seems to me that all you can really know is your own intention and the clearer that is the better you can hope to communicate it.

Part II: That Thing

The Beatles said "All you need is love"
Stevie Nicks asked "Mirror in the sky what is love?"
Joni Mitchell has "looked at love from both sides now..."
And the Asteroid in our show has a few things to say about it too!
But really!!! What is it???
Well, being the impatient and impulsive girl I am I thought I could figure it out if I put my mind to it, asked around, did the research, talked about it in therapy. But apparently it doesn't work that way. And it's not that I've never said "I love you" or had it said to me...But each time is different and as these loves become a part of my past they start to feel like dreams I can't quite recall. I know I was there and I remember the feeling, sort of, but I can't get back. I can't identify with it in the same way so I guess I have to let it go and make space for something new.
Sometimes it feels like a silly thing to chase but at some point I hope I can rediscover love and find out once more what all the fuss is about. For now all I can say is:
Love schmove.

Ouch!

2008-08-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

I'm challenging myself to write on this at least once a week but this week has been busy and I've been avoiding it. I wanted to write an article about risk-taking and I figured at least opening my blog might get something rolling. I was thinking that maybe it would work the same way sitting down with a blank canvas gets me painting. So feeling motivated today I opened my "blogger home" and found that I had my first comment!

This is pretty new to me and I'm learning as I go so I was excited to get some feedback. Apparently I have my comments set to be reviewed before I publish them so I clicked on the link and there it was:

"God, you're fucking dumb" posted by: anonymous

Ouch!

First of all, I wish I knew which post this comment was referring to but maybe this anonymous is just not a fan of me as a writer...

In any case, it does hurt. And although this is different, it's not the first time I've been "blog-attacked".

So, it got me thinking...

I wanted to talk about risk-taking because I've been trying to branch out and take more risks in certain areas of my life. I feel that this is especially important as an actor in terms of being able to deliver something meaningful. A lot of actors and directors will agree that the higher the stakes the better the outcome. Being able to take risks is fucking scary though! And not just on stage or in some piece of writing or art; it's scary in life and it's especially scary in relationships. But some risk taking can bring about the greatest experiences life has to offer and these are the kind I hope to take more of. Hopefully a crazy mixture of failure and success will ensue!

So, I guess putting a piece of myself out into the world in this form is a bit of a risk and I just got a taste of the nasty side of that. But I still feel compelled to continue, only now I'm a little more self conscious and I'll carry on with a slightly bruised ego. The small but noticable impact this has had on me brings me to my final thought for today: Words have power so use them well.

Dear Anonymous,
I am not dumb.
You have chosen your words and they have created a ripple in the world but instead of letting this yucky feeling spread I'm going to start a new ripple.
I hope you wake up tomorrow and have a great hair day.
I hope you find a lucky penny and use it to scratch a winning lotto ticket.
I hope you take a rewarding risk.
And I hope you find a better use for your time online.
Please don't call any other people dumb, at least for today.
And if you want to comment again please be constructive!
Thanks for giving me something to write about.
-S

HIPSTERWORLD

2008-08-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

Read This

Who are we?
There is so much going on! So many interesting people, so much art, writing, music, philosophy, blogging, talking, dancing, creating, potential...
Right?

I guess reading this just makes me take a second look at myself. Of course I don't want to fit into any category but I can't deny that what this writer describes does sound like a lot of people I know and even myself. A little...

All I keep thinking is what do we stand for? I know that people like to feel a part of something and we all need and want each other but I get the feeling that no one likes to admit to that. To me hipsterness is pretty elitist, right? Us and them. What does this accomplish again? And the shallowness of it has been on my mind a lot lately. Literally "buying" into a lifestyle or culture. Here's one piece of the article that sort of touches on that:

"Hipsterdom is the first “counterculture” to be born under the advertising industry’s microscope, leaving it open to constant manipulation but also forcing its participants to continually shift their interests and affiliations. Less a subculture, the hipster is a consumer group – using their capital to purchase empty authenticity and rebellion. But the moment a trend, band, sound, style or feeling gains too much exposure, it is suddenly looked upon with disdain. Hipsters cannot afford to maintain any cultural loyalties or affiliations for fear they will lose relevance."

This constant shifting is very apparent if you are the kind of person who likes to strike up conversations with random people (as I do)... Good luck being able to relate to any of the music or art they speak of, there's always something new, every weekend and it's always "amazing" and "oh...you haven't heard of them?"

I already had two long g-chats about this article today with friends at work and happened upon two other blogs that linked it. I'm sure there are many more.

What I know: We are a generation of smart and passionate people. We have the ability to communicate faster and faster every day and we do! We have ideas and philosophies and we want to share them. We are not doomed but we do have a responsibility [to ourselves] to challenge ourselves. We have to be willing to analyze our culture and lifestyle as it's unfolding rather than years down the line. This means listening, being open to change and once in awhile being able to admit to ourselves that we aren't in control of everything. We are extremely sensitive to advertising and suggestive selling and there are corporations who are trying to manipulate us all the time! The more we admit that it does affect us, the more potential there is for us to make our own choices.

I may know some hipsters; (whatever that even means) but regardless of what they're into, my favorite friends are the ones who keep me in check. They tell me what I might not want to hear but as long as I listen I can always learn something. And asking myself questions always seems to help!

Who are we?
What are we doing?
What do we want to be doing?
I'll keep asking myself these questions and a million others...
What are your questions?

To be or...

2008-07-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

I define myself as an actor but what is the definition of actor?

Actor (n)
1: one that acts: DOER 2 a: one who represents a character in a dramatic production. b: a theatrical performer. c: one that behaves as if acting a part 3: one that takes part in any affair.
(Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary)

Actor
An actor, actress, player or rarely thespian (see terminology) is a person who acts in a dramatic production and who works in film, television, theatre, or radio in that capacity. The ancient Greek word for an actor, ὑποκριτής (hypokrites), when rendered as a verb means "to interpret";[1] in this sense, an actor is one who interprets a dramatic character.[2]
(Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

Trying to define as well as refine my acting is not only my favorite activity but it encourages me to live actively. It's a way of exploring the world with a specific perspective and purpose.

After trying (and failing) to get into graduate school right out of undergrad, I've had to think a lot about what it means to me to be an actor. Are you an actor even during the times when there is no audience or director? Are you an actor even when you aren't doing the act of acting? It kind of trips me up a bit but I have decided, yes!

I like how the first definition uses the word "doer". In terms of being an actor I think the actual "doing" is extremely important. Taking what you've learned or created and doing it! (As opposed to just thinking and talking about it). But this is especially tricky in terms of acting because unlike some visual art forms, performance art requires, at the very least, an audience.

Part 3 of the first definition kind of makes me smile to myself. If an actor is "one that takes part in any affair", then we are all actors right? It kind of brings you back to the whole, "world is a stage" idea... It's sort of trite sounding but also very true. We put on little plays and scenes every day. Anything from walking down the street to the act of seduction can be a kind of performance.

My favorite concept here, however, is found in the Wikipedia definition. And although the source is not exactly credible, I like the idea of an interpreter. Instead of just someone who "interprets a dramatic character" what if an actor was just an interpreter of the world? Someone who's job it is to take in all that is abstract and mysterious in this life and create something digestible out of it? That would be a cool job.

In any case, I am an actor and I will always be searching for a deeper understanding of what that means.

After I started working on this post a few days ago I flipped open a book on my nightstand and it happened to be on this very relevant page! I came across this excerpt from a Spiritual book called "The Golden Present". This book is a collection of talks given by Swami Satchidananda, a Yoga master and spiritual teacher. If you aren't bored by now, check it out...

"THE WHOLE OF LIFE IS SHOW BUSINESS"

Question: Is it possible to develop spiritually while working in a highly competitive and hectic field such as show business?

Sri Gurudev: We call it show business. Why? Do you think that show business is to show somebody else something? No. Show business is to show you something: yourself. It will teach you about the worth and the worthlessness of things in life. Yes. Show business means it's all just made up. It's all superficial. And when you learn that lesson, then you can use that same philosophy in your life. The whole of life is show business. What am I doing here? I'm acting my part. We're having a show. There is no superior and inferior cast in this. We are all needed to make the show. You have taken a part, so play it well. We are all one in spirit, but I am playing the part of the teacher today. You are playing the part of being a little ignorant. Behave that way. Don't get up and say, "I know more than you;" the show will collapse. When the curtain falls, we are all one and the same.

The whole world is superficial; it's constantly, constantly changing. Our relationships change, our situations change, our positions change, our names change. I was a baby, then I became a young boy, then an adult, then an old man. Changes, changes, changes. So what is the reality? The spiritual truth. We are all essentially one. That never changes. Where can you learn this truth faster than in show business?

Sometimes You Just Know

2008-07-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

At this point in my life most things are up for questioning.

I don't have anything solid to preach or teach but rather a collection of swirling, changing thoughts, questions and ideas.

Part of what makes everyday so amazing is the fact that the imagination is boundless and there is always something new to learn or create! However, it becomes overwhelming when your mind gets too open. All of the swirling and questioning and changing can make a girl dizzy! And every once in awhile it feels good to know something and feel sure of it.

Something clicks, something is clear, something shakes you to your core, something wakes up your entire body and every single cell is screaming "yes!"

These are the moments I live for, these are the moments I would like to create and they can occur in life and in art. Some people would call it a "moment of truth", others might just say that it's "being present" but whatever it is I want more.

It's great to be able to question and ponder and I'll never stop, but it feels so amazing to connect.

Sometimes you just know.

If Strangers Were My Family

2008-07-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

I love people and all of their neurosis!

Maybe it's because I definitely identify as "crazy pants" or maybe it's because I'm an actor and therefor obsessed with behavior in general. But for some reason I'm just tickled by peoples' strange habits, delighted by the awkward and absurd, and fascinated with the freaky! And living in a city like San Francisco there's definitely a lot of crazy to drink in.

One of the milder versions of crazy can be observed right from my work (at the front desk of a hair salon!) Not only do I get a chance to interact with the eleven totally different stylists every day but I've come to know all of their clients on a personal level and sometimes I get the feeling that I'm this kind of mom and they are all my crazy kids...

My eldest (and possibly favorite) daughter would be my dear:
"Blow Out and Set"
She comes in once a week with her long flowing gray hair and tells me about her most recent adventures. Her last trip to India, an exciting estate sale she attended the other day, she always has something going on. She's tall and broad with eclectic style. One time she even wore a silver belt as a necklace and it suited her beautifully!

But it's the way she tears up when she's laughing at her own problems that that really just breaks my heart in the best way possible. She tells me about the 110-year-old house that she lives in, stuffed to the brim with all of the things she's collected over the years; artwork, clothes, trinkets and knick knacks. Her daughters and therapist are making her excavate the basement and get rid of things because they say her collections are "linked to some childhood trauma". She scoffs it off with those brimming eyes and I see into her. I feel her. I love her.

My crazy middle child would be:
"Early Morning Color with Brow Tint"
She comes in every 21 days to be precise. She has this conspiracy theory thing going on where she's always saying, "see you next time, unless of course I get picked up". What is this "picked up"? Who would be doing the picking up and why? She rambles about things you see in tabloid magazines as if it's a part of her life and she tells me she's a very important part of a very important case, some kind of witness or something. It's all very secretive except for the fact that she talks about it all the time! Aside from the crazy, she always has good restaurant recommendations and she always shows up early. Maybe one day all will be revealed...

My youngest little neurotic would be:
"Late Night Blow Dry Switcheroo"
She books these 7pm appointments every week to blow out her mass of unruly hair and every week, without fail, no matter what, she changes the appointment to another day. Why would she even bother to book it in the first place? I don't exactly know, but it's something she's compelled to do. She makes it, breaks it and then comes to the new appointment. It must be some kind of OCD I swear! But it gives me something to count on, something constant. And of course she is my youngest, so maybe she just needs the attention.

These are people in my in my life. Little parts of my world. I'm a peice of their world too, and maybe I'm a peice of yours.

Let's Talk About Text, Baby!

2008-07-12T12:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a popular little YouTube song, many of us have heard the phrase, "you don't text message breakup!" But what about everything else you should or shouldn't do via texting...
Text messaging has become a huge part of my daily routine, and it seems to be the same with everyone I know. I used to text once in awhile just to convey the simplest of messages, but it has morphed into something so much bigger! And I'm not sure I like it.

When it comes to socializing and dating it's all about communication and communication can happen on many different levels; however, due to our constantly (and rapidly) evolving technology our means of communication keep expanding.

What we're workin' with:
-There's straight up talking; something that can be unpredictable and hard to control, but also spontaneous and natural. Talking seems to be pretty honest because in person and there's also body language to take into account. When talking over the phone there's rhythm, tone and inflection to listen for. All of these factors tell us more than the words alone.

-With letter writing we have a chance to collect our thoughts and be a little more selective with what we want to convey. And as a letter recipient you can look at the handwriting for more clues into the meaning. E-mail can seem slightly less personal but is used ALL the time for little updates, work, invites, and keeping up with family and friends.

-Now we're getting down to the other forms of social networking that take place online; we have facebook and myspace, online chatting, blogging and a million other ways to express ourselves to the world and to our friends. With these methods there's a lot of control over how you choose to present yourself. Creativity can be involved but the appeal seems to be in the speed of it and in the fact that many of us spend hours and hours at a computer every day. Since we aren't always out and about meeting new people or hanging with our friends in person we can talk to each other, look at each other, learn about each other and and build relationships that we may not otherwise have time to build...hmm, this is where I start to feel a little weird. But here I am blogging, so on I go...

-What I'm talkin' about: The Text Message.
It's fast and frequent because we have our cellphones with us at all times. It can be silent and unobtrusive so you can do it in almost any environment. It's ambiguous and due to the limited word count it forces us to be concise.

So, about a year ago I started (sort of dating) this guy who was just text-happy! It started off as playful banter, flirting and plan-making, but as time passed I realized it wasn't just something we did when we were busy. Other than sex, it became the basis for our entire relationship. Now, trust me, there are many other factors to this particular story and I certainly wouldn't call it a healthy relationship in any way, but it's a relationship nonetheless, and as much as I hate admitting it, our dialogue is mainly through texting!

At first I was just going along with it because that's all he seemed to know, and I didn't even really become aware of what a big deal it was until I found myself wanting to lie to my therapist. When recalling some recent drama between us I was doing the old, "he said this, and I said this", and she stopped to ask me (in her lilting therapy voice), "was that in person, or over the phone?". Ha! "Um...", I just felt so stupid telling her it was through texting! This is when I realized it might be getting extreme.

One of my close friends has also been involved in some texting relationships, but she uses it as part of "the game". It reminds us of chess, you're always planning your next move. Choose your words carefully and fill it with as much meaning as possible, wait a long time to respond if you want to build up tension, but don't wait too long or the textee might get mad! Even text interpreting can drive a person crazy because sometimes there's no way to know the tone. It's too easy to waste hours digging for meaning in some stupid message. You know you've done it.

Yesterday I received a long e-mail from a lifelong friend asking for relationship advice. She went into detail about everything that's been going on with her and her man and in the final paragraph, in the middle of "what do you think? Should I fucking rip out of this one?", she changed gears and said, "He just texted me- JUST NOW so I have to tell you. First though, let me explain that fucking dealing with a relationship in text is so fucking retarted and juvenile. The text says: 'Do u think we are getting 2 normal?' Is that the problem?"

Girl, I have SO been there! So what is this!? It's not just me, it's happening everywhere and how do we deal with this issue? Is it a problem? Or do we need to adapt to this new text-filled reality? I think we can all agree that "you don't text message breakup", but do you text message process? Text message converse? Carry on text message relationships?

Hi, my name is ______ and I'm addicted to texting.