27 Things

Sometimes it feels really good to be self-deprecating. It's much easier than giving myself praise or compliments but I think it's time to challenge myself to do the hard thing. I've often been told by family, friends or therapists, "you're too hard on yourself". I usually try to accept it but find that secretly, I don't agree and I end up beating myself up even more. What I've been noticing more and more is that a lot of people in my life do the same sort of thing. We're all hard on ourselves, we push, we struggle, we punish ourselves and we get down on ourselves all the time for every little thing. We hold ourselves to unhealthy and unrealistic standards when it comes to beauty, our definitions of success, how much we accomplish in a day, week, month, year... and where does this negative reinforcement get us? It seems to me that we end up with a mass case of low self-esteem.

Obviously we can agree that low self-esteem is not a good thing but there seems to be an aversion to "self-help" and "new-age-hippie-bullshit-self-esteem-building". It almost feels uncool to try to be happy. But why? I admit, I don't want to start shitting unicorns any time soon, but I do see that when I feel bad about myself a bunch of other negative emotions spring up and start to affect everyone around me. It's not just about me being happy or unhappy but how quickly one or the other state of being can spread to my friends and even strangers. When I'm feeling bad about myself it's easy to feel things like jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness and fear. Living with these things in my heart and mind mean I usually end up taking it out on someone else whether it's just a negative thought I think about a friend or a comment I make.

So here's the deal, my mom is one of those peace-and-joy-love-and-light types and even though she lives across the country in tiny house surrounded by a garden twice its size, she seems to have a psychic connection to me (or something) and sensed this problem on my mind. She called me up and after a long discussion told me to, "make a list of 27 things you love about yourself and make you worth loving to others". OK mom. Well, I decided to humor her and just try something different, I'm always open to new things.

It took me a week! Every time I tried to sit down to make the list I would find some reason not to. When I finally got down with my pen and paper I felt embarrassed, uncomfortable and just plain weird. But I did it. I made the list. I thought very carefully about each thing. It was hard at first, I know I have good qualities but I'm not used to putting them down on paper and acknowledging them to myself. Surprisingly, with each item it became easier and easier, I tried to search for deep and true qualities, things I really believed and by the end of it I felt amazing!

The day after I made the list I woke up feeling different, I felt peaceful, happy(ish) and I was even smiling. This feeling has carried on for almost a week now and it's spreading. This feeling has helped me take better care of myself. I've been getting more sleep, healing my back, I cleaned and organized my room, I even feel more productive at work! I have more energy to put into my friends and loved ones and I've been getting back to meditation which perpetuates the feeling even more. It must be a combination of factors but I know the list didn't hurt. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to start walking around with an over-inflated ego and I don't think that I'll stay in this mood forever, at least not at this point in my life, but it was a nice little reminder: It feels good to feel good.

So now I want you to try it too! Please, please, please! Roll your eyes, call me crazy, scoff and pshhhhaaa and then suck it up and try something new. Something hard. Make a list. 27 things and leave ONE as a comment on this blog post. You can leave it anonymously but try it! I would love to hear what makes you so awesome and even if you can't do the whole list see how it feels to admit one of your good qualities to yourself. I'll start it and you know it's fucking embarrassing so please don't leave me hanging...

I DARE YOU!

When It Rains It Pours and When It Pains It Roars

Some people say that pain is 'weakness leaving the body'.  Others say 'no pain no gain'.  Some love it and some hate it.  Right now pain seems more like a message to me, and my body, who started with whispers, has recently resorted to roaring!  Is pain your body's way of trying to tell you something?

Tuesday the 17th

7:30am: I wake up in extreme pain.  I can't turn my head from side to side and my back feels like I was dropped off the edge of a building.  I get ready for work, leave the bike, take the bus and pop about 400mgs of ibuprofen.

By 2pm, when my co-worker arrives, (about 1200mgs  of ibuprofen later) I realize this isn't just a little soreness and it's not going away.  Another co-worker books me an appointment with the chiropractor around the corner and I'm off.

2:30pm:  I'm on a table being popped and poked.  A "SEMG scan" is taken of my back.  Apparently there is vertebral subluxation and high levels of muscle tension and improper electrical impulses are being sent which can lead to "poor health" and different areas of the nervous system are being adversely affected.  OK, I'm jacked up, years of waitressing, old injuries, sports, etc, bla bla bla...

Wednesday the 18th

Bedridden and absolutely stir crazy.  I hate slowing down, changing gears in the middle of the week, it's the worst!  But not being able to move kind of forces you to slow down.  So I'm stuck in bed.  Ugh.

Thursday the 19th

Still stuck, but starting to relax.  I start to think to myself, this is a good thing, this is a chance for a little reflection, my body is trying to tell me to slow down, take it easy, heal yourself, yeah!  I'll heal myself.  OK, I can do this.

Friday the 20th

Back to work, but with a headset instead of the regular phone.  That's better!  I'm on this Holistic healing plan, no painkillers, no drugs of any kind, stay away from coffee, OK, no coffee, I can do this, this is easy.  No alcohol.  Alright, a mellow weekend.  Chiropractic visits 3 times a week for the next 8 weeks.  OK.  Here I go.

7:30pm:  I make it to meditation.  The topic of the discussion following is chronic pain and meditating with pain.  Cool, it must be a sign.  And wow, I'm feeling so much better.  So centered and, yeah!  I think I'm pretty much back to normal.  The pain is still there but I can deal with it.

Saturday the 21st

I work all day and pretty much rest all night.  Sunday is a day of and I decide I'm allowed to go out and have a little fun.  A little fun that maybe breaks a few of my "Holistic Healing Plan" rules.

Monday the 22nd

Wake up pretty sore.  A little fun is now feeling a little stupid.  Oh whatever, I'll be fine.  Who can be totally healthy for that long anyway!

3:00pm:  I tell my therapist how I've been reflecting and how I'm really starting to realize how I physicalize the different stresses in my life, I'm trying to be present... all that jazz.

Tuesday the 23rd

I wake up feeling a little under the weather.  A little sick and a little stressed, then the stress starts to build and build.  I can't miss any more work this pay period, I'm already spending so much on the chiropractor and I missed two days last week!  The voices in my head start an all out battle and I drag myself to work anyway trying to tune it out.

4:00pm  I leave work feeling tense and fatigued.  My neck is stiffening back up again and even the chiropractor notices the new swollen tissue.  She tells me to practice "release" and to "have faith" and everything will be fine. Faith in WHAT? OK, breathing, breathing...

Wednesday the 24th

Everything is not fine!  I wake up in a sweat, I'm sick!  No!  I can't be sick!  And it's not "go-to-work-and-just-block-it-out-sick".  It's "get-every-possible-symptom-known-to-man-sick" and oh, here, start your period too at the same time.  Complete with debilitating cramps, headache and the feeling that your guts are literally falling out of you.  The joy of being a woman.  I cry and call in to work.  Last week was one thing, but another day off!!!  I can't afford this let alone deal with the way I feel right now!  I'm pissed, and I'm pissed at me!  My own body!  How DARE you do this to me, ME!

Today:

Home again in bed.  Release.  There it is.  I don't have enough money this month.  I don't have insurance.  I don't have total health, I look like this and I don't have a choice.  I have to rest.  I have to try to heal and I have to let go.  Breathe in and breathe out.  And it's OK.  And I'll be OK.  What I'm starting to realize; what goes on in my mind comes out in my body.  When it rains it pours and when your body pains it roars, it wants to be heard and I'm going to try not to block out it's messages to me.  I surrender body.  Do your thing.