Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
As August draws near, I get closer to my big move and my excitement about my own acting career is starting to build!
A client at my work recommended some teachers and workshops to me and I started googling away.
Some of the women she mentioned had books out so one thing led to another and I ended up splurging on a mini "Amazon" binge, ordering quite a few plays and books about acting in LA.
Some of it's pretty funny and induces little giggle-fits or major eye rolling but I'm determined to put snobbery aside and try to focus on the potentially helpful bits.
Never judge a book by its...
Another book I was incredibly skeptical about at first is turning out to have a few cool tidbits too.
But shhhhhh... it's a ______.
Nothing you haven't heard before if you've ever read about any "creative visualization" techniques but it's always cool to be reminded to think positively, I guess.
I will say that I hate the way it's marketed, don't approve of the materialistic overtones and could do without the ridiculous Da Vinci Code-esque look of the thing.
But all that said, I do believe that thoughts can create your reality in the sense that the things on your mind color your mood and affect those around you. I dig it. Why dwell on what sucks?
So in that spirit: I feel great today! I've made it out for my morning jogs every day this week and I have the comfiest bed EVER and cool friends AND I got to eat yummy fruit from Bi-Rite last night AND it's almost the weekend! Life is good, no?
*The next few months are going to be a little hectic for me so I don't think I'll be posting much but there will probably be at least one more before I move. Then, when I make it down south it'll be a change-of-address and a change-of-blog-address too! You will be able to find me here and I think I'm going to be posting lot's and lot's of pictures now that I have a camera again. Follow my Adventures and watch me sink or swim!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Not only did I desperately want to fly but I believed that if I tried hard enough I could.
Why not right?
There was no doubt in my mind,
So I set about to my task.
I made a makeshift hang glider out of wood and blue tarp.
(only to jump off the roof of the jeep and twist my ankle.)
I made a contraption out of a towel tied with rope that hung from the porch rafters and suspended myself in it.
Belly in the sling, arms and legs outstretched I swung back and forth for "practice".
I jumped off the barn roof into piles of hay.
One time I even jumped off a 40ft bridge into a flowing river but alas, I never made it into flight, at least not in the way I had dreamed I could.
I may not have flown but I sure as hell had fun trying and I think this is the way I'm cursed (or blessed) to live my life.
Sometimes I set my sights ridiculously high but it's not always about getting what you want, it's about having a good time trying!
No wonder I chose to be an actor!
Trying to succeed as an artist can feel as impossible as trying to fly.
But it's absolutely fun to try!
Friday, May 1, 2009
It was dry when I left my house.
I was drenched when I reached the salon.
Last week I screamed at the wind from my bike.
Today I screamed at the rain from my bike.
Both times nothing changed.
Listened to my ipod on the way:
"Why do I smile at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye"
Thought about the question, "how are you?"
Thought about inappropriate answers.
Today I heard a woman respond,
"I'm alive, I didn't kill anybody and I'm innocent, I'm great!"
Started baking in an effort to cheer myself up.
Half of what I make is good.
Half of what I make is scary.
Two recent creations include: "mookies" and "crownies".
(Both originally intended to be cookies.)
The first were more like muffins and the second, brownies.
A hammer, some Mexican chocolate and light mayo were involved...
The "mookies" were questionable.
The "crownies", a success!
Watched a woman have another woman's hair woven into hers.
I keep getting the feeling I'm forgetting something.
Maybe it's a symptom of the SWINE FLU!!!
Swine Flu is like, totally the new SARS.
Speaking of swine, when a certain boy pops into my mind,
A certain song accompanies:
"You're no good, you're no good, you're no good, baby you're no good..." know that one?
Anyone have the cure for the rainy day blues?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I just finished Season 1 of "Californication". Love it. But I fear it can only go downhill.
Old TV character crush. Handsome but I've moved on, sorry Don.
New TV character crush. Come on! He's horribly flawed, witty, sexy and gets into the occasional fist fight!
(*Note to self: Stop talking about imaginary boyfriends in public forum.)
Still recovering from a 4-day bender with friends from out of town.
I had to give them the drinking tour of my city! What?
I finally swallowed some vitamins and forced myself to go for the morning run.
Well, by run I mean jog.
And by jog I mean jog/walk.
I'm working back up to it!
Friends can bring out the mischievous side.
Reading this article though, I learned that friends can actually be good for our health too!
You know what's not good for our health?
I know, I know, everyone has linked this. But dude! This shit does not get old!
(*Um, second note to self: Stop swearing in your blog. Who are you a 15-yr-old boy? WTF?)
I got chills just now looking at it. And not the good kind.
At least those chills gave me momentary relief from this heat.
Stay cool friends.
At least you know you're cooler than me.
(Well, everyone except you, Joey.)
Friday, April 17, 2009
As an artist I am constantly questioning and redefining my identity. Noticing where I am and continuing to deepen and expand whatever work I'm doing whether it be an acting project, a new painting or a piece of writing.
Moving forward, staying awake. Eyes open, ears pricked, mind alert and heart expanding.
The teachers in the school of life are sometimes difficult to identify. They're all around but every once in awhile we dreamers and creators must be our own teachers too. We have to set our own standards and continue to ask what are we doing and why?
Today, this is where I'm at. Add your thoughts to the list and perhaps we can learn something from each other.
My rules as of this moment:
- Have something to say. If the impulse is there but the purpose is unclear work towards specificity.
- Do everything possible to open and expand the mind.
- Find role models and note the specific reasons you admire them and the specific reasons you don't.
- Be willing to compromise but only to a point.
- Develop artistic integrity, don't be afraid to say no.
- Keep money separate. Money motivated art is likely to be shit.
- Daily practice. Do/make some art every day.
- Allow yourself to be moved as much as possible and wonder at the beauty of your heart.
- Make room for the simultaneous existence of genius, mistakes, perfection and shit.
- Daydream, nightdream, fantasize and actualize.
- Ask lots of questions.
- Yes, people are judging you. Sit with that.
- Re-write these rules as often as possible.
Friday, April 10, 2009
I start a lot of books that I never finish. I hate this about myself.
I try to complete the crosswords but it's almost always impossible without a partner.
When I was 15 I was a lifeguard for the early morning lap swimmers at the community pool.
The girl I worked with would always do crosswords when the boss wasn't around. She was a good crossword partner.
Thank god no old people drowned on our watch! What were we thinking?
One time (at another pool) a kid hit his chin doing a backflip and we had to backboard him. It was one of the scariest moments in my life.
I re-read some old journal entries from 7th and 8th grade recently and found one about the scariest moment.
My best friend and I were in the woods and she had some kind of seizure or something. I remembered hearing that sugar helps and rubbed a crushed up Altoid on her gums.
Weird how stuff like that pops into your mind in times of crisis. It brought the color back and she came-to.
We're still best friends.
When she lived with me in SF for a bit we would sit in our backyard drinking pink wine and philosophizing for hours.
We decided that every good philosophical conundrum ends in a paradox.
Another friend recently told me that he heard that "if it's not paradoxical, it's not true".
Speaking of true, is it true that I am my own worst enemy?
If it is, that might explain the not-finishing-books thing. So irritating. Maybe I can't commit?
But I seem to have no problem hanging on.
Hang on a sec... Oh my god! I just typed "sex" instead of "sec"!
And that was the second time today! No joke, the first was in a gchat and it actually made me blush!
Slip of the left ring finger or Freudian slip?
Only you can prevent Forest fires.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
The last time I attempted vegan cupcakes I made them chocolate with green mint frosting.
Everyone called them "toothpaste cupcakes".
I'm determined to redeem myself today! However, in the spirit of this post, I will try not to become attached to a particular outcome. These will be my "go-with-the-flow" cupcakes.
Getting my hair chopped was a good reminder of how easy it is to become attached to stuff, (in this case a mess of dead cells). The day before my scheduled cut I stood outside Little Star, waiting for Amanda to get us a table and found myself drifting off into a hair stroking trance. I caught my reflection in the window and took hold of my longer locks. I started running my fingers down from root to tip and repeated this motion unconsciously until,
"SHAKTI! What are you doing? I got us a table!"
"Dude, I'm not psychic, I was waiting for you to tell me! Lemme lock up my bike."
Really I had just zoned out but the point of this stupid story is that I realized I don't want to be tied down by my attachments. I know I'll always have certain attachments. I'm not a saint and don't plan on becoming one but I also don't want to get to a point in my life where my clinging to material things is running the show! The hair thing got me thinking...
The new chop has brought with it a new sense of freedom! I'm re-inspired to continue minimizing my stuff and since I'm going to be moving in August, I have a real excuse for getting rid of things.
Letting go can be really hard but one of the things I keep hearing at these Buddhist meditations is that it's the clinging that causes the suffering. I find this to be true in my own experience so it's interesting to experiment with what happens when you let go of stuff for starters.
I'll clear out some trash and clutter from my room and then move on to bigger things such as the boxes of "mystery junk" under the bed and in the closet. As I go through the bits and pieces I'll try to be mindful of what I'm feeling or experiencing.
Today my practice is a cupcake/cleaning meditation.
Speaking of attachments, what's with people spending tons of money on engagement rings??? This is kind of like the baby thing from the last post. I just really want to hear your thoughts.
Sometimes I feel like we just continue to accept things because "that's just the way things are".
I hate this.
Oh, and another thing, I might be showing some paintings in the near future.
More on that later...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Yes men, you are manly and adventurous. I see, I see!
Little sis called and said, "I cut off my hair, and it wasn't because I got broken up with! I just did it for me!"
(Ladies love the "break-up-and-then-transform-yourself-physically" move.)
Yes little sis! You rock! And I've decided to do the same. Hair chopping set for Sunday!
...Then this morning I got a "time for friendship" note from a recent not-quite-friend. The universe has foiled my plans again!
Slightly more single than I was, the hair will be chopped into the "fresh on the market" look.
Yoga + Running + Biking = I could eat a [tofu] cow!
Why does self-tanning lotion make your skin smell salty?
Gmail is amazing
Gchat is the devil
Mark Morford makes me giggle yet again.
On that note, why are people so afraid of sex? I don't get it.
Final thought: People having babies.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Here in "Adventures" I've tried to give myself structure, deadlines, and initially, meant to say meaningful things. I've always hoped to avoid the journally, self-indulgent crap I loathe, the kind of stuff that can be found in abundance out in the blogosphere but have I achieved my goals at all? Perhaps to some extent but I feel myself moving further and further away from the place I started. Now that this is my only blog and I've been straying from the original format more and more I can feel the old evil twin in me rearing her dramatic head. The one who will talk your ear off if you give her the chance, the one who wants to explore everything and the one who can't help but be chronically critical and infinitely indecisive. She's gettin' bored.
Where am I going with all of this? Somewhere new! I'm annoyed with my blog. Who am I to be putting my thoughts out into the world in this way? What is the point? Well, I'm not really sure but being the schizo that I am (and stubborn by nature) I refuse to give up. This is my little playground for thoughts and words. What I love/hate about blogs is that anyone can write them! It's cool, it's fun, it's irritating and it's just the way it is. So on with it...
- In San Francisco and in my head: So I can talk about whatever I want... hmm. Good rule.
- Try not to be too self-indulgent. AKA, try not to talk about myself all the time. Shoot! Gotta work on that one more.
- Work towards shorter posts. People these days seem to have extremely short attention spans and no time. We're twitterers! Ew. OK, basically: Must make readable from an iphone. (Which, BTW, I do not own.)
- Become really smart, witty, clever and concise. No problem!
- Get a digital camera and start incorporating photos. My old one broke and I mean, whose blog is words only! How boring. God.
So next post will be shorter
And I'll start dieting tomorrow
And I swear,
Yesterday was the last time I let myself see that guy I shouldn't see.
Friday, March 27, 2009
- R and I cleaned and prepared the empty room for our new roommie B, then we made him sign paperwork, give us money and drink with us. Initiation; make a mess, overshare a little, bust out the guitar, break some glass, and clean again in the morning...
- Since I don't live alone I have to treat my room like my own mini home. I Cleaned, re-arranged, got rid of shit, polished hard wood floors, washed laundry and eliminated clutter.
- Goal for the weekend: Get curtains and get a plant!
- Went to the doc, got a clean bill, put an end to weeks of neurotic fretting and irrational belief that I have every disease. Rode away on my bike smiling and a cute guy at the crosswalk said, "you look beautiful". Smiling continues...
- Hair tinted, bangs trimmed, recent skin issues resolved, feelin' good!
- Running/biking; check! More or less healthy eating; check! Vitamins and water; check!
That thing in my noggin:
- Started two new books.
- Going to meditation tonight and signed up for a retreat in June. Yay!
- Nice long conversations with the cool people in my world.
- Contemplating crazy dreams...
- Made some lists.
OK, I'm ready!
I guess all I can do now is chill and enjoy the BEAUTIFUL sunshine! See you at Dolores Park.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Obviously we can agree that low self-esteem is not a good thing but there seems to be an aversion to "self-help" and "new-age-hippie-bullshit-self-esteem-building". It almost feels uncool to try to be happy. But why? I admit, I don't want to start shitting unicorns any time soon, but I do see that when I feel bad about myself a bunch of other negative emotions spring up and start to affect everyone around me. It's not just about me being happy or unhappy but how quickly one or the other state of being can spread to my friends and even strangers. When I'm feeling bad about myself it's easy to feel things like jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness and fear. Living with these things in my heart and mind mean I usually end up taking it out on someone else whether it's just a negative thought I think about a friend or a comment I make.
So here's the deal, my mom is one of those peace-and-joy-love-and-light types and even though she lives across the country in tiny house surrounded by a garden twice its size, she seems to have a psychic connection to me (or something) and sensed this problem on my mind. She called me up and after a long discussion told me to, "make a list of 27 things you love about yourself and make you worth loving to others". OK mom. Well, I decided to humor her and just try something different, I'm always open to new things.
It took me a week! Every time I tried to sit down to make the list I would find some reason not to. When I finally got down with my pen and paper I felt embarrassed, uncomfortable and just plain weird. But I did it. I made the list. I thought very carefully about each thing. It was hard at first, I know I have good qualities but I'm not used to putting them down on paper and acknowledging them to myself. Surprisingly, with each item it became easier and easier, I tried to search for deep and true qualities, things I really believed and by the end of it I felt amazing!
The day after I made the list I woke up feeling different, I felt peaceful, happy(ish) and I was even smiling. This feeling has carried on for almost a week now and it's spreading. This feeling has helped me take better care of myself. I've been getting more sleep, healing my back, I cleaned and organized my room, I even feel more productive at work! I have more energy to put into my friends and loved ones and I've been getting back to meditation which perpetuates the feeling even more. It must be a combination of factors but I know the list didn't hurt. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to start walking around with an over-inflated ego and I don't think that I'll stay in this mood forever, at least not at this point in my life, but it was a nice little reminder: It feels good to feel good.
So now I want you to try it too! Please, please, please! Roll your eyes, call me crazy, scoff and pshhhhaaa and then suck it up and try something new. Something hard. Make a list. 27 things and leave ONE as a comment on this blog post. You can leave it anonymously but try it! I would love to hear what makes you so awesome and even if you can't do the whole list see how it feels to admit one of your good qualities to yourself. I'll start it and you know it's fucking embarrassing so please don't leave me hanging...
I DARE YOU!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
In a few days it will be the 14th and as much as we all despise the silliness that is the Hallmark Holiday, there's no reason to hate love, right? I want to love love! I admit it, and this year I'm going to try (just a teensy bit harder) to be less cynical about the whole thing. Plus, V-day gives me another excuse to to ponder my favorite, or least favorite 4-letter word. I'm still not sure. So while some friends are shopping for garter belts or planning weekends away, I'm blogging. Yeah.
I happen to be one of those horoscope reading girls but only the good ones and this week I was especially excited by the advice Mr. Brezsny gave me about my heart. Whether or not you care about astrology or oracles, this site is still full of interesting advice and ideas. Feeling hungry for a little more insight I decided to go ahead and read all the signs today! Maybe that's against the astrological rules or something but why stop with just mine when there are so many little nuggets of love-related advice for the week? I couldn't help myself!
Since I can't seem to define it, I'm always tickled by other peoples' ideas about love. Below are some of the things that caught my eye this week! From horoscopes other than my own, these are the quotes I liked:
"When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours," wrote author Robert Fulghum, "we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness -- and call it love."
For best results, cultivate the attitude described by the philosopher Voltaire in a letter to his partner Marie Louise Denis: "Sensual pleasure passes and vanishes, but the friendship between us, the mutual confidence, the delight of the heart, the enchantment of the soul, these things do not perish and can never be destroyed."
Gertrude Stein defined love as "the skillful audacity required to share an inner life."
"The person one loves never really exists," said Arthur C. Clarke, "but is a projection focused through the lens of the mind onto whatever screen it fits with least distortion."
"May the color blue behold your body while sun washes your shoulders near the window. May your lips refuse the kiss unless your heart is home. May euphoria find you in the place where you are lonely. May you light a billion candles with your mind." - artist and poet Wolff Bowden
"Greet one another with a holy kiss," says the Bible's first book of Corinthians
OK. So I'm thinking the first one is the best. I like that one. And I keep thinking of a quote from the movie "True Romance", if you've seen it you know how it relates. I may or may not be on the path towards love, but right now what sounds best to me is the prospect of finding someone to say this to:
"you're so cool"
Oh, and as much as I love avoidance, this is the advice I got from my own horoscope:
Capricorn, carry out the following assignments. First, practice loving something or someone you don't understand. Second, any time you start longing to be loved more than you are, make it a point to go out and love someone more than you have in the past. Third, visualize your heart growing softer and warmer and more receptive.
OK, alright, added to the list...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
It's been awhile since we last spoke. As you know, the year is now 2009 and in 3 days I'll be another year older myself.
I'm sorry I've been neglecting you but the thing is, I told you from the start I'm not interested in being monogamous right now. I know you get it though. You see, I've been writing a short play. I know! I know.
Yeah, he's pretty cute. It's just he's a little more artsy you know, he's a free thinker and you, well, I love your sense of structure and the way you make me think about things other than myself. You're more of an intellectual than him, and you know that turns me on, but, with him, it's just, I don't have to follow any rules! I love the freedom and there's this element of danger and excitement. He makes me nervous. And I like it.
And just to get it all out on the table now, I should probably tell you that I've been going on more auditions. It's wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time and I intend on doing as many as I can in the year to come. I know my acting makes you feel a little threatened sometimes and you seem to have a hard time trusting me but that's just ridiculous! It's my passion, it will always be a huge part of me but it doesn't mean I don't care about you too. I just feel so free right now!
Ok, ok. I'm sorry. You don't need to hear about all of this. I just wanted to get it out in the open, let you know what's been going on. I'm changing and it feels great! I'm having fun, making mistakes, trying new things, reflecting on all that has passed this year and I think I might even be learning from it! If you're open to things being a little different, I'd love to keep this thing going and see where it takes us.
Let me know darlin',
I like you.