I'm moving on...

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The Blog Move

Hmmm...

I may be leaving the land of "Blogspot.com",

Getting my own domain name,

Switching to something like "Wordpress" for formatting

And creating something that will hopefully be a little cooler and all my own.

More to come...

Get A Move On

Tonight I go to the theatre to see some friends in [act]ion. Hooray!

As August draws near, I get closer to my big move and my excitement about my own acting career is starting to build!

A client at my work recommended some teachers and workshops to me and I started googling away.

Some of the women she mentioned had books out so one thing led to another and I ended up splurging on a mini "Amazon" binge, ordering quite a few plays and books about acting in LA.

Some of it's pretty funny and induces little giggle-fits or major eye rolling but I'm determined to put snobbery aside and try to focus on the potentially helpful bits.

Never judge a book by its...

Yeah, yeah.

Another book I was incredibly skeptical about at first is turning out to have a few cool tidbits too.

But shhhhhh... it's a ______.

Nothing you haven't heard before if you've ever read about any "creative visualization" techniques but it's always cool to be reminded to think positively, I guess.

I will say that I hate the way it's marketed, don't approve of the materialistic overtones and could do without the ridiculous Da Vinci Code-esque look of the thing.

But all that said, I do believe that thoughts can create your reality in the sense that the things on your mind color your mood and affect those around you. I dig it. Why dwell on what sucks?

So in that spirit: I feel great today! I've made it out for my morning jogs every day this week and I have the comfiest bed EVER and cool friends AND I got to eat yummy fruit from Bi-Rite last night AND it's almost the weekend! Life is good, no?

*The next few months are going to be a little hectic for me so I don't think I'll be posting much but there will probably be at least one more before I move. Then, when I make it down south it'll be a change-of-address and a change-of-blog-address too! You will be able to find me here and I think I'm going to be posting lot's and lot's of pictures now that I have a camera again. Follow my Adventures and watch me sink or swim!

Wings and Things

When I was a kid I was obsessed with flying.

Obsessed.

Not only did I desperately want to fly but I believed that if I tried hard enough I could.

Why not right?

There was no doubt in my mind,
So I set about to my task.

I made a makeshift hang glider out of wood and blue tarp.
(only to jump off the roof of the jeep and twist my ankle.)

I made a contraption out of a towel tied with rope that hung from the porch rafters and suspended myself in it.

Belly in the sling, arms and legs outstretched I swung back and forth for "practice".

I jumped off the barn roof into piles of hay.

One time I even jumped off a 40ft bridge into a flowing river but alas, I never made it into flight, at least not in the way I had dreamed I could.

I may not have flown but I sure as hell had fun trying and I think this is the way I'm cursed (or blessed) to live my life.

Sometimes I set my sights ridiculously high but it's not always about getting what you want, it's about having a good time trying!

No wonder I chose to be an actor!

Trying to succeed as an artist can feel as impossible as trying to fly.

But it's absolutely fun to try!

Rainy Day Blues

Rode my bike to work as usual.

It was dry when I left my house.
I was drenched when I reached the salon.

Last week I screamed at the wind from my bike.
Today I screamed at the rain from my bike.

Both times nothing changed.

Listened to my ipod on the way:
"Why do I smile at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye"
Name it!

Thought about the question, "how are you?"
Thought about inappropriate answers.

Today I heard a woman respond,
"I'm alive, I didn't kill anybody and I'm innocent, I'm great!"
Seriously?

Started baking in an effort to cheer myself up.

Half of what I make is good.
Half of what I make is scary.

Two recent creations include: "mookies" and "crownies".
(Both originally intended to be cookies.)

The first were more like muffins and the second, brownies.
A hammer, some Mexican chocolate and light mayo were involved...

The "mookies" were questionable.
The "crownies", a success!

Watched a woman have another woman's hair woven into hers.
Freaky.

I keep getting the feeling I'm forgetting something.

Maybe it's a symptom of the SWINE FLU!!!
Swine Flu is like, totally the new SARS.

Speaking of swine, when a certain boy pops into my mind,
A certain song accompanies:
"You're no good, you're no good, you're no good, baby you're no good..." know that one?

Anyone have the cure for the rainy day blues?

Relax Baby Be Cool

For a girl with no TV I somehow manage to watch quite a bit. (Thank you friends and Internet.)

I just finished Season 1 of "Californication". Love it. But I fear it can only go downhill.

Old TV character crush. Handsome but I've moved on, sorry Don.

New TV character crush. Come on! He's horribly flawed, witty, sexy and gets into the occasional fist fight!

(*Note to self: Stop talking about imaginary boyfriends in public forum.)

Still recovering from a 4-day bender with friends from out of town.

I had to give them the drinking tour of my city! What?

I finally swallowed some vitamins and forced myself to go for the morning run.

Well, by run I mean jog.

And by jog I mean jog/walk.

I'm working back up to it!

Friends can bring out the mischievous side.

Reading this article though, I learned that friends can actually be good for our health too!

You know what's not good for our health?

This.

I know, I know, everyone has linked this. But dude! This shit does not get old!

(*Um, second note to self: Stop swearing in your blog. Who are you a 15-yr-old boy? WTF?)

It's terrifying.

I got chills just now looking at it. And not the good kind.

At least those chills gave me momentary relief from this heat.

Stay cool friends.

At least you know you're cooler than me.

(Well, everyone except you, Joey.)

Notice:

Come to find out, meditation is not necessarily about clearing your mind of all thoughts but rather noticing the thoughts as they come and go. The practice of noticing, checking in, coming back to something like the breath. I'm beginning to see my artistic life in a similar way.

As an artist I am constantly questioning and redefining my identity. Noticing where I am and continuing to deepen and expand whatever work I'm doing whether it be an acting project, a new painting or a piece of writing.

Moving forward, staying awake. Eyes open, ears pricked, mind alert and heart expanding.

The teachers in the school of life are sometimes difficult to identify. They're all around but every once in awhile we dreamers and creators must be our own teachers too. We have to set our own standards and continue to ask what are we doing and why?

Today, this is where I'm at. Add your thoughts to the list and perhaps we can learn something from each other.

My rules as of this moment:

• Have something to say. If the impulse is there but the purpose is unclear work towards specificity.
• Do everything possible to open and expand the mind.
• Read.
• Find role models and note the specific reasons you admire them and the specific reasons you don't.
• Be willing to compromise but only to a point.
• Develop artistic integrity, don't be afraid to say no.
• Keep money separate. Money motivated art is likely to be shit.
• Daily practice. Do/make some art every day.
• Allow yourself to be moved as much as possible and wonder at the beauty of your heart.
• Make room for the simultaneous existence of genius, mistakes, perfection and shit.
• Daydream, nightdream, fantasize and actualize.
• Ask lots of questions.
• Yes, people are judging you. Sit with that.
• Re-write these rules as often as possible.

...my brain on crack. I mean coffee!

5-letter word for "Witticism"... Anyone?

I start a lot of books that I never finish. I hate this about myself.

I try to complete the crosswords but it's almost always impossible without a partner.

When I was 15 I was a lifeguard for the early morning lap swimmers at the community pool.

The girl I worked with would always do crosswords when the boss wasn't around. She was a good crossword partner.

Thank god no old people drowned on our watch! What were we thinking?

One time (at another pool) a kid hit his chin doing a backflip and we had to backboard him. It was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I re-read some old journal entries from 7th and 8th grade recently and found one about the scariest moment.

My best friend and I were in the woods and she had some kind of seizure or something. I remembered hearing that sugar helps and rubbed a crushed up Altoid on her gums.

Weird how stuff like that pops into your mind in times of crisis. It brought the color back and she came-to.

We're still best friends.

When she lived with me in SF for a bit we would sit in our backyard drinking pink wine and philosophizing for hours.

We decided that every good philosophical conundrum ends in a paradox.

Another friend recently told me that he heard that "if it's not paradoxical, it's not true".

Speaking of true, is it true that I am my own worst enemy?

If it is, that might explain the not-finishing-books thing. So irritating. Maybe I can't commit?

But I seem to have no problem hanging on.

Hang on a sec... Oh my god! I just typed "sex" instead of "sec"!

And that was the second time today! No joke, the first was in a gchat and it actually made me blush!

Slip of the left ring finger or Freudian slip?

You decide.

Only you can prevent Forest fires.

Contemplating Attachments

Today I will make vegan cupcakes with tofutti "cream cheese" frosting.

The last time I attempted vegan cupcakes I made them chocolate with green mint frosting.
Everyone called them "toothpaste cupcakes".

I'm determined to redeem myself today! However, in the spirit of this post, I will try not to become attached to a particular outcome. These will be my "go-with-the-flow" cupcakes.

Getting my hair chopped was a good reminder of how easy it is to become attached to stuff, (in this case a mess of dead cells). The day before my scheduled cut I stood outside Little Star, waiting for Amanda to get us a table and found myself drifting off into a hair stroking trance. I caught my reflection in the window and took hold of my longer locks. I started running my fingers down from root to tip and repeated this motion unconsciously until,

"SHAKTI! What are you doing? I got us a table!"

"Dude, I'm not psychic, I was waiting for you to tell me! Lemme lock up my bike."

Really I had just zoned out but the point of this stupid story is that I realized I don't want to be tied down by my attachments. I know I'll always have certain attachments. I'm not a saint and don't plan on becoming one but I also don't want to get to a point in my life where my clinging to material things is running the show! The hair thing got me thinking...

The new chop has brought with it a new sense of freedom! I'm re-inspired to continue minimizing my stuff and since I'm going to be moving in August, I have a real excuse for getting rid of things.

Letting go can be really hard but one of the things I keep hearing at these Buddhist meditations is that it's the clinging that causes the suffering. I find this to be true in my own experience so it's interesting to experiment with what happens when you let go of stuff for starters.

I'll clear out some trash and clutter from my room and then move on to bigger things such as the boxes of "mystery junk" under the bed and in the closet. As I go through the bits and pieces I'll try to be mindful of what I'm feeling or experiencing.

Today my practice is a cupcake/cleaning meditation.

Random:
Speaking of attachments, what's with people spending tons of money on engagement rings??? This is kind of like the baby thing from the last post. I just really want to hear your thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like we just continue to accept things because "that's just the way things are".

I hate this.

Oh, and another thing, I might be showing some paintings in the near future.
Weird.
More on that later...

Sink-Top Notes

This morning two tubby men in suits stopped to scope out a parked motorcycle as I jogged towards them.

Yes men, you are manly and adventurous. I see, I see!

Little sis called and said, "I cut off my hair, and it wasn't because I got broken up with! I just did it for me!"

(Ladies love the "break-up-and-then-transform-yourself-physically" move.)

Yes little sis! You rock! And I've decided to do the same. Hair chopping set for Sunday!

...Then this morning I got a "time for friendship" note from a recent not-quite-friend. The universe has foiled my plans again!

Slightly more single than I was, the hair will be chopped into the "fresh on the market" look.

Yoga + Running + Biking = I could eat a [tofu] cow!

Why does self-tanning lotion make your skin smell salty?

Gmail is amazing
Gchat is the devil

Mark Morford makes me giggle yet again.

On that note, why are people so afraid of sex? I don't get it.

Final thought: People having babies.

Discuss.

What The Hell?

My former blog, "FUNCTIONINGSCHIZOPHRENIC", served as an emo-ish dumping ground for my moody poetry, wine-induced pondering and middle-of-the-night-insomniac ramblings about how "The Brothers Karamozov" blows my mind and makes me lose sleep. Boring? Yeeeah. Therapeutic? Eh. Narcissistic? Well, most blogging seems to be... In any case, it was my alter-ego blog, if you will.

Here in "Adventures" I've tried to give myself structure, deadlines, and initially, meant to say meaningful things. I've always hoped to avoid the journally, self-indulgent crap I loathe, the kind of stuff that can be found in abundance out in the blogosphere but have I achieved my goals at all? Perhaps to some extent but I feel myself moving further and further away from the place I started. Now that this is my only blog and I've been straying from the original format more and more I can feel the old evil twin in me rearing her dramatic head. The one who will talk your ear off if you give her the chance, the one who wants to explore everything and the one who can't help but be chronically critical and infinitely indecisive. She's gettin' bored.

Where am I going with all of this? Somewhere new! I'm annoyed with my blog. Who am I to be putting my thoughts out into the world in this way? What is the point? Well, I'm not really sure but being the schizo that I am (and stubborn by nature) I refuse to give up. This is my little playground for thoughts and words. What I love/hate about blogs is that anyone can write them! It's cool, it's fun, it's irritating and it's just the way it is. So on with it...

This Blog

The Rules:

• In San Francisco and in my head: So I can talk about whatever I want... hmm. Good rule.
• Try not to be too self-indulgent. AKA, try not to talk about myself all the time. Shoot! Gotta work on that one more.

The Goals:

• Work towards shorter posts. People these days seem to have extremely short attention spans and no time. We're twitterers! Ew. OK, basically: Must make readable from an iphone. (Which, BTW, I do not own.)
• Become really smart, witty, clever and concise. No problem!
• Get a digital camera and start incorporating photos. My old one broke and I mean, whose blog is words only! How boring. God.

Right.

So next post will be shorter

And I'll start dieting tomorrow

And I swear,

Yesterday was the last time I let myself see that guy I shouldn't see.

Totally.

Spring Cleaning!

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning! House, body and mind. Spring is another chance at starting something fresh and what might be on the horizon? I'm preparing for something unknown...

L'appartement:

• R and I cleaned and prepared the empty room for our new roommie B, then we made him sign paperwork, give us money and drink with us. Initiation; make a mess, overshare a little, bust out the guitar, break some glass, and clean again in the morning...

Ma Chambre:

• Since I don't live alone I have to treat my room like my own mini home. I Cleaned, re-arranged, got rid of shit, polished hard wood floors, washed laundry and eliminated clutter.
• Goal for the weekend: Get curtains and get a plant!

Le Corps:

• Went to the doc, got a clean bill, put an end to weeks of neurotic fretting and irrational belief that I have every disease. Rode away on my bike smiling and a cute guy at the crosswalk said, "you look beautiful". Smiling continues...
• Hair tinted, bangs trimmed, recent skin issues resolved, feelin' good!
• Running/biking; check! More or less healthy eating; check! Vitamins and water; check!

That thing in my noggin:

• Started two new books.
• Going to meditation tonight and signed up for a retreat in June. Yay!
• Nice long conversations with the cool people in my world.
• Contemplating crazy dreams...
• Made some lists.

OK, I'm ready!

For...

?

I guess all I can do now is chill and enjoy the BEAUTIFUL sunshine! See you at Dolores Park.

27 Things

Sometimes it feels really good to be self-deprecating. It's much easier than giving myself praise or compliments but I think it's time to challenge myself to do the hard thing. I've often been told by family, friends or therapists, "you're too hard on yourself". I usually try to accept it but find that secretly, I don't agree and I end up beating myself up even more. What I've been noticing more and more is that a lot of people in my life do the same sort of thing. We're all hard on ourselves, we push, we struggle, we punish ourselves and we get down on ourselves all the time for every little thing. We hold ourselves to unhealthy and unrealistic standards when it comes to beauty, our definitions of success, how much we accomplish in a day, week, month, year... and where does this negative reinforcement get us? It seems to me that we end up with a mass case of low self-esteem.

Obviously we can agree that low self-esteem is not a good thing but there seems to be an aversion to "self-help" and "new-age-hippie-bullshit-self-esteem-building". It almost feels uncool to try to be happy. But why? I admit, I don't want to start shitting unicorns any time soon, but I do see that when I feel bad about myself a bunch of other negative emotions spring up and start to affect everyone around me. It's not just about me being happy or unhappy but how quickly one or the other state of being can spread to my friends and even strangers. When I'm feeling bad about myself it's easy to feel things like jealousy, anger, resentment, bitterness and fear. Living with these things in my heart and mind mean I usually end up taking it out on someone else whether it's just a negative thought I think about a friend or a comment I make.

So here's the deal, my mom is one of those peace-and-joy-love-and-light types and even though she lives across the country in tiny house surrounded by a garden twice its size, she seems to have a psychic connection to me (or something) and sensed this problem on my mind. She called me up and after a long discussion told me to, "make a list of 27 things you love about yourself and make you worth loving to others". OK mom. Well, I decided to humor her and just try something different, I'm always open to new things.

It took me a week! Every time I tried to sit down to make the list I would find some reason not to. When I finally got down with my pen and paper I felt embarrassed, uncomfortable and just plain weird. But I did it. I made the list. I thought very carefully about each thing. It was hard at first, I know I have good qualities but I'm not used to putting them down on paper and acknowledging them to myself. Surprisingly, with each item it became easier and easier, I tried to search for deep and true qualities, things I really believed and by the end of it I felt amazing!

The day after I made the list I woke up feeling different, I felt peaceful, happy(ish) and I was even smiling. This feeling has carried on for almost a week now and it's spreading. This feeling has helped me take better care of myself. I've been getting more sleep, healing my back, I cleaned and organized my room, I even feel more productive at work! I have more energy to put into my friends and loved ones and I've been getting back to meditation which perpetuates the feeling even more. It must be a combination of factors but I know the list didn't hurt. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to start walking around with an over-inflated ego and I don't think that I'll stay in this mood forever, at least not at this point in my life, but it was a nice little reminder: It feels good to feel good.

So now I want you to try it too! Please, please, please! Roll your eyes, call me crazy, scoff and pshhhhaaa and then suck it up and try something new. Something hard. Make a list. 27 things and leave ONE as a comment on this blog post. You can leave it anonymously but try it! I would love to hear what makes you so awesome and even if you can't do the whole list see how it feels to admit one of your good qualities to yourself. I'll start it and you know it's fucking embarrassing so please don't leave me hanging...

I DARE YOU!

When It Rains It Pours and When It Pains It Roars

Some people say that pain is 'weakness leaving the body'.  Others say 'no pain no gain'.  Some love it and some hate it.  Right now pain seems more like a message to me, and my body, who started with whispers, has recently resorted to roaring!  Is pain your body's way of trying to tell you something?

Tuesday the 17th

7:30am: I wake up in extreme pain.  I can't turn my head from side to side and my back feels like I was dropped off the edge of a building.  I get ready for work, leave the bike, take the bus and pop about 400mgs of ibuprofen.

By 2pm, when my co-worker arrives, (about 1200mgs  of ibuprofen later) I realize this isn't just a little soreness and it's not going away.  Another co-worker books me an appointment with the chiropractor around the corner and I'm off.

2:30pm:  I'm on a table being popped and poked.  A "SEMG scan" is taken of my back.  Apparently there is vertebral subluxation and high levels of muscle tension and improper electrical impulses are being sent which can lead to "poor health" and different areas of the nervous system are being adversely affected.  OK, I'm jacked up, years of waitressing, old injuries, sports, etc, bla bla bla...

Wednesday the 18th

Bedridden and absolutely stir crazy.  I hate slowing down, changing gears in the middle of the week, it's the worst!  But not being able to move kind of forces you to slow down.  So I'm stuck in bed.  Ugh.

Thursday the 19th

Still stuck, but starting to relax.  I start to think to myself, this is a good thing, this is a chance for a little reflection, my body is trying to tell me to slow down, take it easy, heal yourself, yeah!  I'll heal myself.  OK, I can do this.

Friday the 20th

Back to work, but with a headset instead of the regular phone.  That's better!  I'm on this Holistic healing plan, no painkillers, no drugs of any kind, stay away from coffee, OK, no coffee, I can do this, this is easy.  No alcohol.  Alright, a mellow weekend.  Chiropractic visits 3 times a week for the next 8 weeks.  OK.  Here I go.

7:30pm:  I make it to meditation.  The topic of the discussion following is chronic pain and meditating with pain.  Cool, it must be a sign.  And wow, I'm feeling so much better.  So centered and, yeah!  I think I'm pretty much back to normal.  The pain is still there but I can deal with it.

Saturday the 21st

I work all day and pretty much rest all night.  Sunday is a day of and I decide I'm allowed to go out and have a little fun.  A little fun that maybe breaks a few of my "Holistic Healing Plan" rules.

Monday the 22nd

Wake up pretty sore.  A little fun is now feeling a little stupid.  Oh whatever, I'll be fine.  Who can be totally healthy for that long anyway!

3:00pm:  I tell my therapist how I've been reflecting and how I'm really starting to realize how I physicalize the different stresses in my life, I'm trying to be present... all that jazz.

Tuesday the 23rd

I wake up feeling a little under the weather.  A little sick and a little stressed, then the stress starts to build and build.  I can't miss any more work this pay period, I'm already spending so much on the chiropractor and I missed two days last week!  The voices in my head start an all out battle and I drag myself to work anyway trying to tune it out.

4:00pm  I leave work feeling tense and fatigued.  My neck is stiffening back up again and even the chiropractor notices the new swollen tissue.  She tells me to practice "release" and to "have faith" and everything will be fine. Faith in WHAT? OK, breathing, breathing...

Wednesday the 24th

Everything is not fine!  I wake up in a sweat, I'm sick!  No!  I can't be sick!  And it's not "go-to-work-and-just-block-it-out-sick".  It's "get-every-possible-symptom-known-to-man-sick" and oh, here, start your period too at the same time.  Complete with debilitating cramps, headache and the feeling that your guts are literally falling out of you.  The joy of being a woman.  I cry and call in to work.  Last week was one thing, but another day off!!!  I can't afford this let alone deal with the way I feel right now!  I'm pissed, and I'm pissed at me!  My own body!  How DARE you do this to me, ME!

Today:

Home again in bed.  Release.  There it is.  I don't have enough money this month.  I don't have insurance.  I don't have total health, I look like this and I don't have a choice.  I have to rest.  I have to try to heal and I have to let go.  Breathe in and breathe out.  And it's OK.  And I'll be OK.  What I'm starting to realize; what goes on in my mind comes out in my body.  When it rains it pours and when your body pains it roars, it wants to be heard and I'm going to try not to block out it's messages to me.  I surrender body.  Do your thing.

V is for... Victoria's Secret?

So February is all about:  L-O-V-E, love.  I've blogged about this a few times... It confuses me and I know I'm not alone in that! The truth is, I think I am indeed what a certain jerk once dubbed me: Lovelorn.

In a few days it will be the 14th and as much as we all despise the silliness that is the Hallmark Holiday, there's no reason to hate love, right? I want to love love! I admit it, and this year I'm going to try (just a teensy bit harder) to be less cynical about the whole thing. Plus, V-day gives me another excuse to to ponder my favorite, or least favorite 4-letter word. I'm still not sure. So while some friends are shopping for garter belts or planning weekends away, I'm blogging. Yeah.

I happen to be one of those horoscope reading girls but only the good ones and this week I was especially excited by the advice Mr. Brezsny gave me about my heart. Whether or not you care about astrology or oracles, this site is still full of interesting advice and ideas. Feeling hungry for a little more insight I decided to go ahead and read all the signs today! Maybe that's against the astrological rules or something but why stop with just mine when there are so many little nuggets of love-related advice for the week? I couldn't help myself!

Since I can't seem to define it, I'm always tickled by other peoples' ideas about love. Below are some of the things that caught my eye this week! From horoscopes other than my own, these are the quotes I liked:

"When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours," wrote author Robert Fulghum, "we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness -- and call it love."

For best results, cultivate the attitude described by the philosopher Voltaire in a letter to his partner Marie Louise Denis: "Sensual pleasure passes and vanishes, but the friendship between us, the mutual confidence, the delight of the heart, the enchantment of the soul, these things do not perish and can never be destroyed."

Gertrude Stein defined love as "the skillful audacity required to share an inner life."

"The person one loves never really exists," said Arthur C. Clarke, "but is a projection focused through the lens of the mind onto whatever screen it fits with least distortion."

"May the color blue behold your body while sun washes your shoulders near the window. May your lips refuse the kiss unless your heart is home. May euphoria find you in the place where you are lonely. May you light a billion candles with your mind." - artist and poet Wolff Bowden

"Greet one another with a holy kiss," says the Bible's first book of Corinthians

OK. So I'm thinking the first one is the best. I like that one. And I keep thinking of a quote from the movie "True Romance", if you've seen it you know how it relates. I may or may not be on the path towards love, but right now what sounds best to me is the prospect of finding someone to say this to:

"you're so cool"

Oh, and as much as I love avoidance, this is the advice I got from my own horoscope:

Capricorn, carry out the following assignments. First, practice loving something or someone you don't understand. Second, any time you start longing to be loved more than you are, make it a point to go out and love someone more than you have in the past. Third, visualize your heart growing softer and warmer and more receptive.

OK, alright, added to the list...

Block-Be-Gone!

Fuck. I'm stuck. Writer's block. Life block. The bouquet of rotting flowers on my dresser is a withering mass of wrinkled faces who stare at me from beneath their sleepy lids. Lumpy piles of clothes seem to shift around when I turn my back and my bed is a boat bobbing in an endless sea of dreams. Street sounds assault me in the night, a man in pain, a couple fighting, a gunshot, screaming, laughter. The walls and windows and doors and locks keep me safe and separate. Sometimes I get the feeling that those walls are slowly dissolving. Right now, I'm lucky. The play needs work. Maybe if I clean??? ...On with it!

I read about job cuts in the paper and then I heard about it happening to strangers in my city. It started happening to my friends and then it happened to me. I still have my job (though, no longer 40 hours a week) but the feeling of panic is spreading. The recession is a bitch but I won't let panic rule my world and I'm actually finding that there's a lot to feel great about these days!

The state of things around me is forcing me to do even more thinking than usual about my life and what I'm finding is a fresh feeling of freedom. As I watch people lose material things I empathize with their pain but am reminded that the less attachment I have to "stuff" the better!  I feel so lucky to have my own room, (messy though it may be) and to live in a place where all I need to get around is my bike. I love you bike.

I can't spend as much money going out but when I do I make sure not to skimp on tipping servers and bartenders. If you're going out you better be doing the same! People depend on those few extra bucks.  I'm also hyper-aware of how great my friends are, how wonderful it is to be able to read and listen to music, to have food to eat and awesome Hetch Hetchy water to drink!  Life is good.

I usually try to write some kind of analytical article about whatever interesting thing I recently read or heard about but I just can't!  Today I just want to get out of my head a little and say, "thanks world, I'm alive and it's pretty cool".  When I was a kid one of my favorite teachers was my math teacher from Sri Lanka.  He had lived a luxurious life with his wife and children, (big mansion, lots of expensive things in the house) and they lost everything to rioting robbers during some political upheaval.  He told me that the one thing no one can steal from you is your knowledge and it always stuck with me.  Times are a little harder and they may get worse but at least in this moment, I have the luxury of choosing to feel good despite circumstance.  I hope you do to.

We Need To Talk

Hello Blog,

It's been awhile since we last spoke. As you know, the year is now 2009 and in 3 days I'll be another year older myself.

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you but the thing is, I told you from the start I'm not interested in being monogamous right now. I know you get it though. You see, I've been writing a short play. I know! I know.

Yeah, he's pretty cute. It's just he's a little more artsy you know, he's a free thinker and you, well, I love your sense of structure and the way you make me think about things other than myself. You're more of an intellectual than him, and you know that turns me on, but, with him, it's just, I don't have to follow any rules! I love the freedom and there's this element of danger and excitement. He makes me nervous. And I like it.

And just to get it all out on the table now, I should probably tell you that I've been going on more auditions. It's wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time and I intend on doing as many as I can in the year to come. I know my acting makes you feel a little threatened sometimes and you seem to have a hard time trusting me but that's just ridiculous! It's my passion, it will always be a huge part of me but it doesn't mean I don't care about you too. I just feel so free right now!

Ok, ok. I'm sorry. You don't need to hear about all of this. I just wanted to get it out in the open, let you know what's been going on. I'm changing and it feels great! I'm having fun, making mistakes, trying new things, reflecting on all that has passed this year and I think I might even be learning from it! If you're open to things being a little different, I'd love to keep this thing going and see where it takes us.

Let me know darlin',
I like you.